Ernest N. Tru (i try to be, anyway)

Just got sorted.

2010-06-06T16:02:00.000-07:00

So, you may or may not have heard about Harry Potter, a series of books where children go to school to study magic. It may or may not have something to do with Satan, that's a bit unclear. Either way, the series has gained some cult following, (in addition to the wild mainstream popularity it has enjoyed) so if you haven't heard of it (ie have been living in a cave, on Mars, for the past 13 years, with your eyes shut, and your fingers in your ears) then it may be worth your time checking out.

Anyways, before kids can learn about magic, they have to be sorted into one of the following houses: Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, or Slytherin. It's done by the very scientific process of putting a magical talking hat on their head. The hat then reads their mind and tells them what house they belong in. Gryffindors are the bravest, Ravenclaws are the most intelligent, Hufflepuffs are the hardest-working, and Slytherins are the most evil. Oh, excuse me, Slytherins are the most ambitious. Which explains why nearly every Slytherin character is portrayed as evil, right?

Well, the Sorting Hat is now available for use by Muggles, (non-magic people) via the internet. I just took the test to see which house I belong in. Here it is:

The sorting hat says that I belong in Ravenclaw!

Said Ravenclaw, "We'll teach those whose intelligence is surest."

Ravenclaw students tend to be clever, witty, intelligent, and knowledgeable.
Notable residents include Cho Chang and Padma Patil (objects of Harry and Ron's affections), and Luna Lovegood (daughter of The Quibbler magazine's editor).

Take the most scientific Harry Potter Quiz ever created.

Get Sorted Now!

Well, that's it for today. And if you want to take the Sorting Hat quiz for yourself, or know someone who might, check it out at www.personalitylab.org

See ya.

Deadliest Warrior: Samurai!

2010-02-22T13:48:00.000-08:00

So, why are Samurai so awesome? Because they’re Samurai, duh! But in all seriousness, everybody’s familiar with these guys, the elite warrior class of feudal Japan, who followed the warrior code of Bushido, and practiced the kicking of asses and the taking of names.

But apart from being awesome in battle, Bushido placed an emphasis on loyalty, and self-sacrifice. The seven virtues of Bushido are Rectitude, Courage, Benevolence, Respect, Honesty, Honor, and Loyalty. To be called Samurai, a warrior had to practice these in his daily life. Honor was so important to a Samurai that they had a tradition of ritual suicide, practiced by defeated warriors to regain any honor they may have lost.

The act of suicide, called seppuku, involved the Samurai cutting open his own abdomen in a very dramatic (not to mention painful) fashion. Death was dealt to opponents by cutting off their head, or some other blow that would be quick and efficient. They weren’t big into making people suffer, excepting themselves, apparently.

So, on Deadliest Warrior, Tetsuro Shigematsu, a descendant of Samurai, and Brett Chan, a master of Samurai weapons showed us what Samurai weapons could do. The weapons tested were the Katana, the Naginata, the Yumi bow, and the Kanabo.

The Katana is perhaps to most idolized and idealized of swords. And for good reason: It’s awesome! Over two feet long and made of glittering steel, it’s basically a giant razor blade. It’s made with a technique of folding the steel over and over again so it becomes extra strong. Some blades don’t even need to be sharpened, so I’ve heard. But you definitely want to keep them clean, since human blood corrodes steel. One way swords were tested was on human bodies. They were graded by how many people, usually criminals, they could slash through with one stroke. On the show, they tested a blade against some dead pigs. It cut clean through two of them, and partway through a third.

Other swords the Samurai used were the wakizashi, the tanto, and the odachi. The wakizashi was about half the length of the katana, and the Samurai would draw it in situations when the Katana’s length was a hindrance. It was also the sword he would use to commit seppuku. Miyamoto Musashi was famous for using both swords at once. In battle, not to kill himself.

The tanto was basically a knife, but it had the same basic shape as other Samurai swords. At the other end was the odachi, which literally meant “great big sword.” Appropriate as it actually was a great big sword. An odachi was typically five feet or longer. It was often used for ceremonial purposes, and rare was the warrior who could handle such a long blade. On the other hand, you wouldn’t want to start something with the guy who could.

The Naginata combined the slashing power of a Katana with the safety of a lance’s distance. It was a spear with a short curved blade, and it was the second most popular weapon of a Samurai. Similar weapons were also used by Buddhist monks in Japan. A guy by the name of Saito Musashibo Benkei used a Naginata to hold off a bunch of guys bent on killing him and his master Minomoto no Yoshitsune. The master had gone to commit seppuku and requested that Saito hold the door while he killed himself, and hold it he did. The guys trying to kill him finally just shot him with a bunch of arrows, but even that didn’t seem to bother him as he just stood there. Somebody finally got the courage to go up to him, and they realized that he’d freaking died while still standing!

Another weapon tested was the Yumi, although at one point in their history, the Samurai abandoned the bow entirely, considering it an ashigeru, or "common" weapon. But it was probably featured on the show to give the Samurai some kind of projectile weapon. A Yumi has the same basic shape as any other bow, but the handgrip is further down on the stave. Shigematsu demonstrated it’s accuracy by shooting out the eyes of a dummy at twenty-five feet. He also shot targets at forty-five feet, calling his shots and making his mark each time.

The final weapon featured on the show was the Kanabo, a weapon that has near-mythical status in Japan. Very few warriors wielded it due to its cumbersome weight, but it was often featured in pictures of Oni demons. In case you didn’t know, Oni in Japan were kind of like ogres are to Westerners; really, really big. The Kanabo was a wooden club with metal studs covering most of the shaft. In the tests, it busted a Viking shield, and shattered the femur of a cow. Imagine what that kind of power would do to your head.

Samurai were also famous for their distinctive armor. Made of leather and metal, it was designed to deflect blows, rather than block them. A very effective design, since if a blow was strong enough to break your armor, it would be better to have it slide off of you instead of standing there and taking it.

So, all told, I’m not upset that the Samurai won, even though I was rooting for the Viking. I mean, if being a Samurai can make Tom Cruise look awesome, who am I to argue with their awesomeness?

Deadliest Warrior: Viking!

2010-02-22T11:40:00.000-08:00

Everybody knows Vikings as the bearded guys who talk funny, wear horned helmets, and sing really loudly in Wagnerian operas. What you might not have known, is that they also kicked a lot of ass. They were intrepid explorers, setting out in their longboats, discovering new lands, (including a strange, America-shaped continent hundreds of years before Columbus) and raping and pillaging almost everyone they encountered.

When they weren’t raping and pillaging, they could be found in almost every Scandinavian country. Some of my ancestors were Swedish Vikings. Some Vikings can be found in Minnesota today, but that’s a subject for another time.

Part of their ferocious behavior can be explained by their religious beliefs. In Old Norse mythology, it was believed that in order to go to Valhalla, you had to die in battle. If you didn’t, you went to Hel, which was not the same as H-E-L-L, but it wasn’t much fun. In Valhalla, warriors became spirits called einherjar, and battled each other all day. This was done so that they would be ready for Ragnorok, the final battle. Then, when all the battles were done for the day, the warriors would retire to Odin’s mead hall, where they ate and drank their fill.

Mead was served to them by the Valkyries, beautiful and dangerous warrior women. When they weren’t keeping deceased Vikings entertained, the Valkyries would fly above battlefield, invisible to the eye. They decided who would live, and who would die. One way of honoring the Valkyries was to take a slain opponent, split his ribcage open, and spread it out like a gory pair of wings.

A special class of Viking warrior was the berserker. Going into battle with nothing but a bearskin coat to protect them, the berserkers fought without fear, and without mercy. It was believed that to “go berserk” was to be possessed of a kind of courage that made the warrior invincible. Some berserkers gave themselves so fully to this battle-fury that they even turned on their comrades if they got in their way. Whether the berserkers actually had some supernatural power, or if they were just high on magic mushrooms, is up for debate, but either way, they were not to be trifled with.

So it’s no surprise these guys would wind up on Deadliest Warrior. The Viking experts were Casey Hendershot, a Viking weapons instructor, and Matt Nelson, a Viking combat expert, and descendant of Danish Vikings. You’re in good company sir!

The weapons tested were the Great Axe, the Long Sword, the spear, and the shield. These are pretty common weapons in most ancient cultures, so they don’t much description, but the thing that characterized Viking weapons is an emphasis on sheer power. Mostly, these were weapons that would kill in one blow.

While Vikings did use the bow and arrow, the only distance weapon in this simulation was the spear. Used in melee combat, or thrown, Vikings would often hurl two at once. The shield was a typical round wooden shield with metal studs. In addition to protection, it could be used to bash an enemy’s head in.

Another trick they’d use in battle was to block an enemy’s attack with their long sword, and then quickly draw their dagger and stab them with it. This was usually employed when taking an enemy ship, overwhelming the crew before they could set up a defense.

They also wore thick animal hides, to protect and against the cold, and chain mail, to protect against stabbing. In fact, their chain mail defeated one of the most awesome weapons of all time: the Katana! That’s right, the sword Uma Thurman used to kill a buttload of bad guys in Kill Bill, Vol. One, couldn’t cut through Viking armor.

Another Viking subject worth addressing is music. Specifically, the music style, Viking Metal. That's right, there's Death Metal, Speed Metal, Black Metal, now there's Viking Metal. For a song that totally kicks your ass, check out Into the Battle, by Ensiferum. It's crazy.

So, even though the Viking lost on the show, we at least got to see why you wouldn’t want to mess with these guys. Unless of course, you wanted to be killed. In that case, see in Valhalla!

Deadliest Warrior: Apache!

2010-02-22T10:42:00.000-08:00

The Apache are a linguistic group of Native Americans from the American southwest. There are many different groups, but they have many cultural similarities. But I’m not here to talk about their culture. I’m here to tell you why they were on Deadliest Warrior.

It is not known for certain where they got their name, but it could be from a Yavapai word meaning “enemy.” Just knowing their name gives you an idea of their legendary ferocity. Probably the best-known Apache warrior was Geronimo, who, like others before him, waged guerilla warfare to drive white people and Mexicans off his land. Even though the other guys had all the guns, the Apache had other ways to fight.

One common technique was that of a predator silently stalking his prey. Groups of warriors would coordinate their efforts and surround their enemies, some infiltrating the camp, others holding their bows at the ready. By the time an enemy knew they were being attacked, it was usually too late, falling to a deadly assault by arrow and knife.

Adding to their frightening reputation was the practice of scalping defeated enemies, sometimes while they were still alive, (ouch) although, to be fair, they weren’t the only Native American people to practice it, and white people also used it as terror technique against them. The Apache also wore face paint, often using a black and white pattern that mimicked the face of a raccoon. They used other patterns, too, but they all served to make them look scary to whoever was on the ouch-end of their blades.

So, what weapons did the Apache use? Well, the ones tested on Deadliest Warrior were the tomahawk, the knife, the war club, and the bow and arrows. They also used spears, and bucklers made from hide, but these weren’t featured on the show. The experts brought in to test the weapons were Alan Tofoya, a world champion knife fighter, and Snake Blocker, a U.S. Army Combat Instructor, both Apache by descent.

Snake demonstrated two types of tomahawk, one made of stone, and another made from a horse’s jawbone. Both of them can give you a head injury that you’d need more than a band-aid to recover from. After European people began trading with the Apache, steel tomahawks would have been added to their arsenal, but these were not put into play on the show.

The stone knife was up next, and Snake was able to throw three knives at three different targets in as many seconds. In response to critique that if you throw your knife, you wouldn’t have anything to defend yourself with if you missed, Snake pointed out that an Apache warrior wouldn’t have just one knife. He’d have as many as he could possibly carry. Well put, sir!

The bow and arrow was tested against the gladiator’s sling. The bow got the edge for accuracy, speed, and range. Tafoya used it to put so many arrows into a gel torso that it looked like a porcupine. Another fact worth noting was the Apache used more than one type of arrowhead, much like bow-hunting aficionados do today. When asked what his favorite arrowhead was, Tafoya responded, “The one that pierces your heart.” (cue nervous laughter)

The war club was the only weapon that failed in the tests. It could crush a skull, but it couldn’t put a dent in a gladiator’s helmet. Snake hit the thing like ten times, but all he managed to do was break the head off the club. The air of embarrassment around him was palpable, even through the TV screen.

So, even though the gladiator’s weapons were more impressive for shear killing power, the Apache won due to versatility, and probably the fact that they would have been used to fighting people with bigger toys than them. So, Apache, my hat goes off to you. Unless of course, you’re thinking of scalping me. LOL

Deadliest Warrior: Gladiator!

2010-01-04T20:48:00.000-08:00

So, now that we know who fought on season one, let’s talk about the warriors themselves, their methods, their weapons, and why they were chosen for the show. Let’s start with the Roman gladiator, and his female counterpart, the gladiatrix.

First of all, the experts representing the gladiator on the show were Ancient Weapons Specialist Chris Torres, Gladiator Combat Instructor Steven Dietrich, and modern-day gladiator, Former UFC Light-Heavyweight Champion Chuck Liddell.

Chris and Steven chose the weapons to be tested, and Chuck wielded a few of them. All the while they spoke of manly things and congratulated themselves for being so manly. Much like real gladiators. The weapons chosen were the Cestus, Sica, Trident and Net combo, Roman Scissor, and the Sling. The gladiator in the fight reenactment was seen with a round shield as well, but none was used in the tests.

Now, if you’re thinking that’s an awful lot of stuff for one guy to carry in a fight, you’re right. The gladiator on the show was a composite of several different gladiators. A real gladiator wouldn’t have all of those weapons on him at once. In fact, real gladiators were divided into classes, each specializing in a certain fighting style.

Gladiators were slaves or criminals condemned to death, but some were paid volunteers. Either way, the Romans wanted to make sure the fight would be entertaining, so they trained these men (and women) in different disciplines and equipped them with different weapons and armor. The gladiator took the oath “to be burned, to be bound, to be beaten, to die by the sword.” Let me tell you, against weapons like these, that’s an oath easily fulfilled.

A basic class was the murmillo. The name comes from the mormylos or fish-shaped crest on the helmet. The murmillo carried a gladius, or short sword, and a tall rectangular shield known as a scutum. He had protection on his head, arms, and legs, but if he wanted to avoid a stabbing death, he had to use the shield.

The murmillo was often paired with the thraex, who carried a smaller round shield, and the sica, a curved sword that had the cutting edge on the inside of the curve. Some were double-edged, but the main purpose of the weapon was to curve around the edge of the other guy’s shield and put a hole in his body. One could also use the sica to stab upward through the chin and kill in one hit.

The trident and weighted net were wielded by the retiarius. He wore little or no armor, so his main defensive tactic was to use the net to entangle his opponent, and then stab him from the safety of the trident’s distance. He also had a knife to finish off his opponent, since it was traditional for a gladiator to die from a slash to the throat. He was often paired with a secutor, who was equipped similarly to the murmillo, but wore a different helmet to better protect his face from the trident. And let’s face it, you don’t want to get stabbed in the face with a three-pronged spear.

Some gladiators weren’t given a weapon other than the cestus, the ancient world’s equivalent to the brass knuckle. It was a weighted leather glove that head metal plates, spikes, and studs attached to it. It effectively triples a boxer’s punching power. Chuck Liddell tested the weapon on a side of beef and managed to break the cow’s ribs.

Chuck also tested the scissor, used historically by gladiators of the same name. Not much is known about this type, other than their weapon, but oh, what a weapon! The scissor consists of a metal tube that encases the entire forearm, and a grip inside the tube. The dangerous part of the weapon is a crescent-shaped blade resembling an open pair of scissors. The idea of this weapon was to thrust it straight at a person and split them in half. Think I’m exaggerating? Chuck did the very same thing to a cow.

Another weapon tested was the sling, which as near as I can tell wasn’t used much by actual gladiators, but the show’s creators probably wanted to give the gladiator a distance weapon to compensate for his opponent’s bow. The sling was a simple leather strap that was used to propel a stone at killing velocity. The most famous use of a sling in warfare, of course, was the battle of David and Goliath. On the show it was depicted as being used by escaped gladiators, fighting their way to freedom.

Another couple of gladiators worth mentioning were the hoplomochus and the dimachaerus. The hoplomochus was outfitted much like a Greek soldier or hoplite, with a round shield, a spear, and a short sword. The dimachaerus was the guy who went totally agro with a sword in each hand.

And while they weren’t mentioned on the show, gladiatrices or female gladiators were known to fight in the games. The longest historical reference to them was a scathing passage by Roman poet Juvenal. You can find it anywhere on the internet that references gladiatrices. He obviously doesn’t like women assuming any kind of masculine role, but I’ll bet he never said it to any of them, since there aren’t any historical accounts of Juvenal dying with a sword in his crotch.

Evidence suggests that gladiatrices were armed and armored the same way as their male counterparts, down to the bare chests. And I’ll bet Juvenal enjoyed that, whatever he might claim. Unfortunately, there’s not much else known about them, but if they’re anything like fantasy depictions of woman warriors, they are not to be trifled with. Probably the reason there's little documentation of them is because this was a male-dominated sport, and the Romans considered them an entertaining addition. Still, the fact that they were allowed to fight at all places them in a certain esteem in Roman society.

So now you know a little more about one of history’s most famous blood sports, so there’s not much mystery as to why they would put a gladiator on the show. As far as being historically accurate, who cares? It was an awesome fight. Next up, his opponent, the Apache!

Deadliest Warrior

2009-12-29T16:24:00.000-08:00

Hey everybody, I’m back! At least until classes start up again. Okay, so I haven’t talked about all the lame cartoon shows I grew up with, but I’ll pick that up again another time. Right now I would like to talk about a new-ish series on Spike called Deadliest Warrior.

Deadliest Warrior is an awesome show about history’s most deadly fighters killing each other to death. What’s not to love? Okay, so the battles are all fought on Slitherine Studios’s computer battle simulater, so no one actually dies.

These three guys gather experts on warriors and weapons and perform tests on dummies, dead pigs, sides of beef, and ballistics gel torsos to see what the weapons would do to people. Geoff Desmoulin designs the tests and operates the high speed camera. Dr. Armand Dorian examines the wounds on the weapon targets and tells everyone just how dead they would be if they were a real person. Meanwhile, the other experts trash-talk each other and congratulate themselves on their manliness. Finally, Max Geiger programs the battle data into the magic computer and we see who wins. And just to be sure the winner isn’t by a fluke, he does this one thousand times. After that, a couple of actors fight it out to show us what the fight might look like.

So thus far, they’ve made nine episodes, and a second season of thirteen eps has been confirmed for spring 2010. Here’s the rundown of who’s the deadliest.

1.) Apache Brave vs. Roman Gladiator

The Apache kills the gladiator, being quicker than his opponent. While the gladiator had armor to protect him, he wasn’t armored in the right places.

2.) Viking vs. Samurai

Well, if my ancestor had to lose out to someone, I’m glad it was the samurai, ‘cause samurai are awesome.

3.) Spartan Hoplite vs. Ninja

SPARTANS!! PREPARE FOR GLORY!!! ‘Nuff said.

4.) Pirate vs. Knight

I didn’t really buy the results here. I mean, yeah, the pirate had guns, but the tests showed that the bullets wouldn’t penetrate a knight’s armor. I guess if they hit a spot where the knight wasn’t wearing armor—oh wait—he’s armored on every inch of his body!

5.) Yakuza vs. Sicilian Mafia

Modern warriors in a five-on-five gunfight! And somewhere, a Yakuza boss is being delivered a gi full of dead fish.

6.) Green Berets vs. Spetsnaz

I’m sorry to say, the Ruski’s beat our boys, but it was a fight almost too close to call. So I wouldn’t count America’s special forces out just yet.

7.) Shaolin Monk vs. Maori Warrior

So it turns out, being beefcake is not enough to overcome someone who has rocking-awesome KUNG FU!

8.) William Wallace vs. Shaka Zulu

Everybody remembers Braveheart, and a few people probably heard of that movie Steven Spielberg made. Well, Wallace won, despite Shaka being insane enough to put poison in his mouth and spit it in his enemy’s eyes.

9). IRA vs. Taliban

Erin geo do! The real fighting Irish taught the Taliban a lesson they’ll never forget. Because they’re dead. And dead people can’t forget things. Besides, you didn’t really think they’d let the Taliban win on an American show, did you? If only this country’s leaders would follow that example…

Now, some people on the internet get pissed over the results because they are a bigger expert on ninjas than the experts who came on the show, and they know that a ninja would win. But these people are missing the fun part of the show. It’s not about who wins or loses, it’s about how much ass gets kicked! The real fun of the show is watching them destroy stuff in the tests. And hearing the experts dunk on each other.

Not only that, but their criticisms have no basis in reality. For instance, if you check out youtube, you’ll find people who dissect the fight at the end, coming up with a blow-by-blow account of how their guy should have won. But they obviously weren’t paying attention! The result of the fight is determined before the stuntmen even get into costume. And it’s determined by pure statistics. The computer just calculates the results based on points awarded to each weapon and probably some other variables. But the fight we see is not created blow-by-blow on the computer. That part is just the actors showing how awesome the warriors are.

And as for the statistics, just because the Spartan won overall, doesn’t mean he would win every time. The final score on that episode was 653-347. That’s three-hundred and forty-seven dead virtual Spartans who can attest to the fact that ninjas are hardcore. So quit with the sour grapes “scottbaioisdead!” And if you say you’ve made a better video, at least have the decency to choreograph an actual fight so those of us who took the time to sit through an ungodly amount of buffering aren’t disappointed when they realize the entire video is just a whiny rant by a fifteen-year-old!

So, from the looks of things, season two is going to feature the same warriors matched up differently. I hope that’s not all they do. What I want to see is a few new guys matched up, because, let’s face it, if they only show the same bunch of guys each season, the show will get stale and boring. Not to mention, they’ve already tested the weapons each guy will be using, so if they don’t introduce new weapons, their just going to be running the same tests every time.
Although they could answer the question of Pirate vs. Ninja.

But the show has been awesome before, so I have faith that it will continue to be awesome.

Or else…

Lame is Good. Another group of Cartoon Heroes I Grew Up With.

2009-07-01T23:14:00.000-07:00

Dungeons and Dragons. A role-playing game (that’s RPG for non-gamers) created by Gary Gygax and Dave Arneson. You’ve probably heard of it, whether you’re a fan of the game, or if you believe it teaches kids how to worship Satan. But did you know that there was animated series about it? It debuted it 1984, and ran for three seasons, eventually pulled due to low ratings, rather than the controversy surrounding the game as many people believed.

The series is so straightforward that they don’t even bother with an origin episode; they tell the entire story in the opening theme song. Six kids (ranging 8 to 15 years old) get on board a Dungeons and Dragons themed amusement park ride, and are magically transported to the Realm of Dungeons and Dragons. They meet a baby unicorn that’s being menaced by a five-headed dragon called Tiamat. A white-haired balding midget wearing a red robe appears and bestows the children with magical weapons, which they use to fend off Tiamat. They attempt to escape, only to have their path blocked by an evil-looking guy who obviously means them harm. But before he can blast them into atoms, Tiamat comes back, the two lock horns for a moment, and Tiamat chases the bad guy away. The kids wonder who that guy was, and the midget tells them that it was Venger, an evil sorcerer. The midget introduces himself as Dungeon Master and tells them they are in the Realm of Dungeons and Dragons. (although they, and viewers, had probably figured that out already)

So, who are these kids, and why am I including their show in my lame list?

Name: Hank
Class: Ranger
Weapon of Choice: A magic bow that shoots energy arrows, so he never has to load it.
Function: Leader
Lame Factor: Low. His biggest flaw is that he has few flaws. He’s confident and ready to take charge in dangerous situations. He’s also a blonde pretty boy. I imagine him dressing like Fred on Scooby Doo in our world.
Voiced by: Willie Aames. You know, Buddy Lembeck on Charles in Charge.

Name: Bobby
Class: Barbarian
Weapon of Choice: A big club that smashes anything he swings it against.
Function: The Kid
Lame Factor: Mid-Low. It’s more to do with the way the others treat him than any way he behaves. As befitting a barbarian, Bobby is ready for battle from the get-go. He likes to rush in, heedless of danger. And the others do their best to stop him, because he’s the youngest, and little kids simply musn’t be allowed to fight, even though he has the best weapon, and totally saved all their asses in episode 8. Although he does have a pet unicorn, which probably detracts from his coolness, seeing as a unicorn is traditionally a girls’ pet.
Voiced by: Ted Field III. Who seems to have never acted again, as he doesn’t have an entry on Wikipedia. Check IMDB if you actually care.

Name: Presto AKA Albert (which actually sounds a lot less dorky by comparison)
Class: Magician
Weapon of Choice: A wand right? Or maybe a cool staff that shoots lightning bolts? Nope. A green wizard’s hat, out of which he can pull nearly anything, but he hardly ever conjures anything he wants.
Function: Remember Neville Longbottom, of Harry Potter fame? Nuff said.
Lame Factor: High. Did you not notice I compared him to Neville Longbottom? Presto’s spells almost never work the way he intends them, often backfiring dangerously. For instance, instead of squashing the giant carnivorous fly into oblivion, he conjures a second giant carnivorous fly.
Voiced by: Adam Rich. Also known for playing Nicholas Bradford on Eight is Enough, and co-starred with Willie Aames on that same series. He also faked his own death for a spoof article in Might magazine.

Name: Shelia
Class: Thief
Weapon of Choice: Invisibility Cloak.
Function: Coolest character on the show.
Lame Factor: Almost Non-Existent. The only thing might be the company she keeps. In addition to being one of the cleverest of the group, she’s also a friend to all living things. I mean, she got Venger’s sister to turn to the good side. She’s always looking out for the others, especially her little brother, Bobby. She’s daring enough she only fights with her invisibility cloak to protect her. Not invulnerability, invisibility, as in, “my-friend-shooting-lethal-energy-bolts-and-my-little-brother-whose-club-could-break-every-bone-in-my-body-into-a-hundred-pieces-won’t-be-able-to-see-me-if-I-accidentally-get-in-their-way” invisible. And she’s the only character we’ve seen pick up a sword for any length of time. Hell yes.
Voiced by: Katie Leigh, probably known best (to me, anyway) for voicing Connie Kendall on Adventures in Odyssey. I guess D&D didn’t cause her to do a Regan impression. She was also the only member of the cast to return for the radio style presentation of the lost episode, Requiem, produced for the DVD boxed set of D&D.

Name: Eric
Class: Cavalier
Weapon of Choice: A shield that can create force-fields around a small group.
Function: Bitching and moaning.
Lame Factor: High. You’d think a guy whose shield can protect him from anything would be a little braver, but no, Eric usually takes the approach of hiding, or trying to appease a scary monster that’s intent on ripping flesh from bone. Can’t risk harming his pretty face, even Hank is clearly the best looking of the male cast. And when the group isn’t fighting, Eric is complaining. If they get to sleep in real beds instead of on the ground, Eric is griping about their quality, or insulting their host when he thinks the man isn’t listening. I mean, he does have his moments, like rushing in (eventually) to defend someone with his shield, or getting embarrassed when the others realize he really does care about someone other than himself, but overall, Eric is the kind of person one could have conversations with. The kinds of conversations that end in gunshots.
Voiced by: Don Most. Best known for playing Ralph Malph, from Happy Days. I guess Eric don’t “still got it.”

Name: Diana
Class: Acrobat
Weapon of Choice: An magical baton that adjusts its length according to its user’s will. Palm-sized for convenient storage, or nine feet for pole-vaulting.
Function: Token black character.
Lame Factor: Mid-low. Like Hank, she lacks any obvious flaws, but she doesn’t show any obvious strengths, apart from the ones that make Hank a good leader. However, she is a better athlete, and she’s usually the one to rebuff Eric when he’s sniping at someone. If you’re trying to picture that, just remember, this was a long time before, “Oh no, he did-ent!” and the head thing.
Voiced by: Tonya Gail Smith. Check IMDB for her other roles.

Name: Uni
Class: Cute Little Goat-Thing
Function: Cute Little Goat-Thing
Lame Factor: Mid-Level, at least. I mean, to take the majestic animal of legend, and turn it into a cutesy little useless creature that speaks with a lot of heavy bleating? So wrong. And aren’t unicorns supposed to have powerful magic? Yet she’s always finding herself in some peril or another.
Voiced by: Frank Welker. This guy was basically born to voice act. He did the voices for eight of the fourteen original Decepticons on Transformers, including Megatron. That should tell you something right there. And they cast him as the Cute Little Goat-Thing.

Name: Dungeon Master
Class: Dungeon Masters don’t have classes, everyone knows that.
Function: Mysterious Old Guy
Lame Factor: Mid-Level. Only ever speaks in riddles, when he could really just tell the kids what they need to do to get home. And despite possessing powerful magic, he’s rarely seen to use it. My guess is he taught Albus Dumbledore how to be a wizard. Then again, if he ever gave a straight answer to a question, there wouldn’t be a show. Way to go, Dungeon Master!
Voiced by: Sidney Miller

So that’s the cast of heroes, now here are the two main villains.

Name: Venger
Class: Half-Fiend Sorcerer
Function: Primary antagonist. Always tries to steal the children’s weapons for purposes which are not elaborated upon.
Lame Factor: High. Seriously, this guy tries way too hard to be scary. He’s got this all red and black thing going, and his face is like a vampire, all pasty and fangey, and he’s got a horn on the side of his head, like the Devil, or something. He can’t decide who is scarier, so he’s trying to incorporate everyone into his look, or something.

VENGER: “Fear me! (silence) No, seriously FEAR ME!”

He also has a disagreeable habit of not dying when he’s killed. Despite this, he’s always ready to hose himself if Tiamat ever shows up, despite also commanding whole armies of orcs, lizardmen, and frog-things and the powers of darkness besides.
Voiced by: Peter Cullen. Guy who voiced Optimus Prime in Transformers. (the show, and the blockbuster fims) All right, I guess Venger is not that lame.

Name: Tiamat
Class: Five-headed dragons don’t need classes.
Weapons of Choice: Well, she has claws, and impenetrable scales, and a wicked huge tail, and five sets of jaws. Not to mention, her five heads breathe five different breath weapons. Her main head breathes fire, her blue head shoots a bolt of lightning, her white head breathes ice, her green head breathes toxic gas, and her black head spits corrosive acid. And she can fly, despite being way too heavy and non-aerodynamic. But apart from that, she doesn’t have much going for her.
Function: Killing you to death if you happen to run into her.
Lame Factor: None. Unlike Venger, Tiamat is actually scary. We’re talkin’ serious nightmare fuel here. And this is supposed to be a kids’ show.
Voiced by: Frank Welker, once again. They probably gave him this role to make up for casting him as the Cute Little Goat-Thing. (by the way, how many times have I used that phrase?)

Why the show is cool: Hey, this is a show about kids adventuring in a magical world. Children raised on The Wizard of Oz, and The Chronicles of Narnia eat this stuff up. I know I did. Still do. Which is probably why I still live with my parents.

But you’d better be wearing some +20 armor if you’re going to make something of that. Feelin’ lucky, punk?

Another Lame Cartoon Hero I Grew Up With.

2009-06-30T17:42:00.000-07:00

Another lame show I enjoyed as a kid (and now for that matter) was one created by Ted Turner. You know, the guy who said that global warming is going to force us to resort to cannibalism? Well, just in case he’s right, I know who I’m going to eat first. I’ve got a list.

Anyways, it shouldn’t be a surprise that the show he created was one with an environmental message; Captain Planet and the Planeteers. They’re out to save the planet. While most superheroes waste their time stopping muggers, or bringing twisted crime bosses or corrupt rich guys to justice, the Planeteers are out there fighting the real criminals; the ones who pollute the environment for fun and profit. Or just because they’re mean jerks.

The Planeteers fight with magical rings, given to them by Gaia, the spirit of Earth. The rings give them the powers of the five elements. And when there’s a problem too big for five teenage kids to handle, they combine their powers and summon Captain Planet. That’s right, Captain America. This guy is captain for the whole planet.

Name: Captain Planet.
Occupation: Earth’s Greatest Champion.
Supporting Cast: The Planeteers. Five teenagers from different parts of the world, to ensure an ethnically diverse cast.

Name: Kwame
Place of Origin: Africa
Power: Earth
Noteworthy: Kwame is the unofficial leader of the group, ‘cuz he always says, “Let our powers combine,” when the Planeteers go to summon Captain Planet. Loves plant life. Usually the voice of reason when the other Planeteers begin to lose hope.

Name: Wheeler
Place of Origin: North America (Brooklyn, specifically)
Power: Fire
Noteworthy: As his element suggests, Wheeler is hotheaded and reckless. He’s also courageous and compassionate. He’s usually the least knowledgeable about pollution problems. Has an obvious crush on Linka, but usually manages to piss her off.

Name: Linka
Place of Origin: Eastern Europe (from her accent, Russia)
Power: Wind
Noteworthy: She’s the no-nonsense one of the group, with a good head for strategy, and extensive knowledge of computers. Loves birds. Sometimes likes Wheeler, but never actively pursues him.

Name: Gi
Place of Origin: Southeast Asia (Malaysia, specifically)
Power: Water
Noteworthy: Loves marine life. Contributes enthusiasm to the group.

Name: Ma-Ti
Place of Origin: South America (of Kayapo descent)
Power: Heart
Noteworthy: Youngest member of the group. His youthful innocence and love helps keep the group together. In case you’re wondering what kind of power “heart” is, it allows him to telepathically communicate with animals, and his fellow Planeteers. It also allows him to instill compassion and caring in peoples’ hearts. Despite how useful an ability this would be in getting people to care about the environment, we hardly ever see him use it.

Archnemeseese: There are several recurring villains, all with their own M.O. as “eco-villains.”

Name: Dr. Barbara Blight
Occupation: A mad scientist who sees the world as her own personal science lab. She has no compunctions with causing environmental disasters, just to see what would happen. Her other schemes revolve around her vanity. Because, you know, she’s soooo beautiful with that rotting patch of flesh over her eye. She’s also the only mad scientist I know of who details her death machines in pink. That's disturbing all on it's own.

Name: Duke Nukem (not to be confused with the badass videogame hero of the same name)
Occupation: Hideous mutant who wants the rest of the world to be as radioactive as him. Basically exists to teach us that nuclear power is not a toy. Like we hadn’t learned that when Godzilla began stomping through town.

Name: Luten Plunder
Occupation: Luten Plunder is out to make a killing, both figuratively and literally. Often teams with professional poacher Argus Bleak. When he’s not into poaching he often causes environmental disasters in cities and other communities, then charges the locals big money to fix the problems he caused.

Name: Hoggish Greedly
Occupation: A fat pig of a man who lives his name to the fullest. He’ll use any dirty trick to make a quick buck, and the more wasteful the scheme, the better. Employs a wormy little man named Rigger, who seems to have a conscientious attitude about environmental problems, but this never leads him to stand up to his boss.

Name: Sly Sludge
Occupation: Like Plunder, he’ll make messes and then charge to clean them up.

Name: Verminous Skum
Occupation: Sewer dwelling rat-mutant who desires to drag everyone else down into the gutter. He does this by polluting recklessly, supporting his local street gangs, and in one episode, even stoops so low as to try and turn a town against a local teen because the boy has HIV. Oh, and he also kills Linka’s favorite cousin with drugs.

Name: Zarn
Occupation: Used to be the spirit of Earth, like Gaia, but he decided he’d rather destroy worlds than preserve them. Wherever there is greed, hate, or reckless destruction, you can be sure he’s got his hands in it. He’s basically an environmentalist’s version of Satan.

Why the show is kind of lame: Well, Captain Planet is summoned to fight against environmental devastation, right? Well, here’s the thing: Pollution kills him. It’s his kryptonite. It’s like sending Superman to fight only villains who are made of kryptonite. Methinks Gaia didn’t think it through very well before creating Captain Planet.

GAIA: “Should I make him invulnerable to pollution? Naw, what are the odds he’d run into that?”

Fortunately, Cap’s powers can be recharged by exposing him to the natural elements. Good thing the kids have those rings, right? Just zap him and go, right?

WRONG!!

See, I forgot to mention that when Captain Planet is active, the rings are useless. So if Cap gets covered in toxic waste and needs water to wash him off, the Planeteers need to bring water to him by mundane means. Strangely, nobody brings a bucket with them on their missions. Not in the first episode, anyway.

And sometimes the environmental messages get heavy-handed. Especially when overpopulation is the subject. For example, in one episode, Wheeler gets hit on the head and dreams about an island full of mouse-people. Despite their small size, the mouse-people have almost completely destroyed their ecosystem because they love having babies. One brave mouse-man, Piebald, tries to convince his people that, “we can’t keep having babies like there’s no tomorrow.”

Seriously, he said that.

Piebald is looked upon with scorn, because he has only one child, and no one listens to him. Eventually, the island is claimed by the sea and Wheeler wakes up, having learned a valuable lesson about keeping his own family small.

(sound of axe breaking down door)
WHEELER: “Heeeeerrrrres Wheeler!”

Okay, just kidding, Wheeler doesn't really show us his Jack Torrance impression, although that seems to be the next logical step if it is imperitive that we curb human reproduction.

But seriously, chill out on the overpopulation thing. Most of the kids who watch the show probably aren’t thinking about how they want to have more babies than Nadya Suleman. And may I be so bold as to suggest that an environmentalist’s time would be better spent searching for more renewable resources than dictating to people about their right to reproduce?

Okay, coming down off the soapbox.

Anyway, another factor that heavily contributes to Caps lameness is that he can’t not pun. Seriously, it’s like a tic. I mean, Spider Man puns lamely all the time, but Captain Planet has it down to an art. And by “art,” I don’t mean the Mona Lisa, I mean the paintings made from elephant feces. (again, not making that one up)

Why Captain Planet is kind of cool: Why is Cap cool? Well, the draw might have something to do with him being superstrong, invulnerable, and capable of flight. And he has command of the five elements that made him. Top that, Superman! And he can create technologies out of thin air that don’t even exist today. Problem with a dirty coal-burning plant? No problem, he’ll replace it with a solar plant that runs at superior efficiency.

Also, when the message is handled reasonably, it really does inspire viewers to care about the environment.

So, on that note, if you REALLY care about the environment:

Don’t just recycle your plastic grocery bags, because they can never become plastic bags ever again. Has to do with the material degrading. Get some reusable canvas bags so that you reduce the number of plastic bags you use. Three R’s, right there.

Don’t litter. Please don’t. Throw the trash in the trashcan, not the recycle bin or the grocery cart. Some people seem to think it’s okay to just dump their trash anywhere as long as it’s not directly on the ground.

Research alternate methods for pest control, instead of indiscriminately spraying poison around your food, children, and pets. And neighbors’ children and pets.

And speaking of poison... CFL bulbs. Lose em'. I know, they're more "energy effecient," but do you know what's in them that makes them that way? Mercury. Last I checked, mercury is a serious environmental poison, and I don't think that's going to change any time soon. So, if your kid breaks one of these, you get to put on his tombstone that he was killed by a lightbulb. Instead of replacing all your lightbulbs with these pocket-kid-and-pet-killing-devices, write a letter to the people that make these things, and put some pressure on them to make an energy efficient bulb that's actually good for the environment.

Plant some trees, preferably fifty feet from power lines. They’re not going to plant themselves. I’m talkin’ to YOU rainforest cutter-downers.

Turn off your computer if you’re not using it. Seriously, just turn it off. I promise, unless it needs replacing, it will come back on when you need it again.

And there is plenty of other meat to eat in the world, whales and dolphins shouldn’t have to die. Try some sea urchin instead. There are plenty of those, trust me.

Nuclear power can be a good thing. France has it, for crying out loud. If the French are man enough to risk another Chernobyl, which was not nearly the radioactive apocalypse naysayers have been predicting since Hiroshima, then we should be willing to try. And if we need a place to dump the waste, we can just do what Captain Planet would do, and hurl it into the sun. And when you're building a plant, don't have it constructed by the lowest bidder, like the people on Captain Planet always seem to do.

Al Gore, stop flying a private plane and take a commercial flight. You'll waste a lot less fuel and contribute less to carbon emissions. Or better yet, drive the family car cross country, and see some of the sights you're trying to preserve. And quit harassing Man-Bear-Pig, he's an endangered species!

People’s Republic of China, this one is for you: Instead of giving pandas to other zoos with an eyedropper, why not create a more extensive breeding program working with other zoos to get the panda’s numbers up globally? And try to get them to eat some meat. Really. This is from the experts. Pandas can only digest twenty percent of the bamboo they eat, because they have a carnivore’s digestive system. No wonder they don’t feel like making love in captivity, all their energy is going to eating and sleeping.

And before we all go signing the Kyoto Protocols, so that we can surrender more governing power to the U.N., please try to remember that saving the environment is a choice everyone needs to make for themselves. Change can’t be forced upon people, and when governments try, they inevitably find they don’t have the resources to make it happen, except by taking more from the people whose interests they are supposedly watching out for.

So think about the consequences of your actions. And encourage others to do the same. That’s all we need to do. Really. Okay, I’ve done my part here. (so hopefully Ted won't get mad at me for calling his cartoon character lame) Please comment on this post and include your own suggestions to help the environment.

And after you're finished doing that, turn off the computer.

I mean it.

Don't test me.

Baby Whale Dies. Boy I wish that were a euphamism.

2009-06-11T13:11:00.000-07:00

Today I’m taking a break from my latest series of blog topics, and writing about something else. A while ago I watched a series called Blue Planet: Seas of Life, by the BBC. It was an awesome nature documentary all about life in the ocean. We see many different aspects of sea life and many diverse environments in the ocean; the abyssal depths, the pelagic, the reefs, the coastline, etc. We see all kinds of creatures and behaviors, all with a killer score and expert narration. Definitely one to check out.

But be forewarned. One of the episodes contains some of the most depressing animal footage I have ever seen. Except maybe the cat-torture video produced by a fourteen-year-old future serial killer.

So without further ado, here is the story of a mother blue whale and her calf. Blue whale calves are the cutest baby animals longer than a city bus in the world. Everybody loves whales, right? Who would’ve guessed this story ends in a way that instills in viewers the desire to make toast in the bathtub?

Blue whales only feed at certain times of the year, in places where the plankton is richest. So most of a blue whale’s time is spent conserving energy. Then, they make their annual journey to their feeding grounds. Usually they do this in groups, because the ocean hates whales, and they’re much safer if they stick together. But one unfortunate whale can’t keep up with the group because her kid is slowing her down. So, mother and calf must make this perilous journey alone, just the two of them against the world.

Sounds like the plot for the latest inspirational feel-good movie of the year, right? Boy, are you all gonna be disappointed. They’ve been traveling at a whale calf’s pace for several weeks, when they receive the unwelcome attentions of a pod of orcas, commonly known as killer whales. Now, everyone knows killer whales are delightful clowns, who like nothing more than to do nifty tricks with giant balls, wave to the audience with their flippers, and jump over rocky atolls in great inspiring shots that Michael Jackson simply must sing about. They couldn’t possibly be a danger to a mother whale and her calf, right? Especially when they’re about one-fourth her size. Right?

Wrong! In real-life, Shamu is a heartless murderer who has no compunctions with devouring baby seals, dolphins, and belugas. You know, the pretty white whales Raffi sings about all the time. If a human being thought like a killer whale, he would eat your baby. And then wipe his mouth with your puppy.

And lest I forget to mention, blue whale calves are on the menu today. Despite being one hundred plus feet long, the blue whale mother has (surprisingly) virtually no ability to defend herself or her calf against an organized attack. For hours, the pod harasses the two whales until they no longer have the strength to go on. Of course, we’re treated to the tragic sight of the mother continuing to defend her calf long after it’s already dead.

And to add insult to injury, the killer whales only eat the calf’s tongue and lower jaw. The rest of the meat is allowed to sink to the seafloor to be picked apart by scavengers. Specifically, hagfish. Do you know what a hagfish is? It is a loathsome parasite, just fishlike enough to be called a fish. It’s also known as the slime eel. Because that’s what it does when it’s not rasping bits of flesh off of both dead, and living animals. In other words, the last animal you would want to be eaten by.

And the mother, who has delayed her own feeding journey to try and keep her calf alive, is left to make the journey alone, severely weakened by the fight with the killer whales. Methinks that if whales had major arteries in their wrists-and wrists-this is the time she would open them.

How freaking depressing is that?! I mean, seriously, who wants to see that? Who thought it would be a good idea to use that footage? We all know nature has a darker side, but where whales are concerned, I think most people would prefer to remain ignorant of certain facts about their lives. Like the fact that baby whales die.

I think most people would rather see footage of a killer whale attack where, just as it looks hopeless for the mother and her calf, a nuclear submarine shows up just in time to torpedo the hell out of Free Willy and save the baby blue whale. Everyone goes home feeling good about themselves, knowing that there is still justice and compassion in the world,

and babies never die, ever.

Ever.

MOON PRISM POWER! Being part 2 of Lame Cartoon Heroes I Grew Up With.

2009-05-11T21:55:00.000-07:00

In the name of the moon, I will… POST THIS ENTRY!!!

One of my favorite anime series ever is Sailor Moon. It ran for five seasons back in the nineties, four of them making it over to U.S. soil. For the uninitiated, anime (pronounced annie-may) is Japanese animation. Now, it’s worth noting that many anime that reach this country have been edited for American audiences. Unless otherwise noted, I will be referring to the U.S. version of the show, as it is the one I’m most familiar with.

Sailor Moon is about a group of magical girls called the Sailor Scouts. Sailor Moon, Sailor Mercury, Sailor Mars, Sailor Jupiter, and Sailor Venus get their magical powers from their respective planets. Exactly what “planet power” is isn’t specifically defined, but it probably has to do with the idea that planets have their own life force. Also, the powers each girl has bear some similarity to the gods the planets were named after. And, in case you were about to ask, yes, there is a Sailor Saturn, Sailor Uranus, Sailor Neptune, and Sailor Pluto. But they don’t appear until season three. Pluto’s not a planet anymore? Try telling her that. Go on, I dare you.

The story goes that thousands of years ago there was a kingdom on the moon. (creatively called the Moon Kingdom) The Moon Kingdom was a peaceful utopia, until the forces of the Negaverse, a place of ultimate evil, attacked them. The Sailor Scouts were the guardians of the Moon Kingdom, but even their great power failed to prevent its destruction. The Moon Kingdom’s ruler, Queen Serenity, did the only thing she could to save her daughter (also named Serenity) and the Scouts. She sent their spirits into the future, where they were reincarnated as ordinary girls.

Now, the Negaverse has returned, and they’ve set their sights on Earth. But, fortunately, the Scouts are here to defend us. And Princess Serenity, now Sailor Moon, is determined to make the bad guys pay, “In the name of the moon, I will punish you!”

So, here’s a bit more about our titular heroine.

Name: Sailor Moon
Real Name: Serena
Occupation: Japanese schoolgirl by day, savior of the world by night.
Supporting Cast: Amy AKA Sailor Mercury, Raye AKA Sailor Mars, Lita AKA Sailor Jupiter, and Mina AKA Sailor Venus. Also appearing is Luna, Serena’s pet cat, and Artemis, Mina’s cat. Other regulars to the cast are Melvin and Molly, two of Serena’s friends who have no idea about her double life. And we can’t forget Serena’s boyfriend Darien, who, when danger threatens, transforms into the amazingly well-dressed hero Tuxedo Mask.
Archnemesis: Queen Beryl, ruler of the Negaverse. She’s defeated at the end of season one, but it would seem the Negaverse has no shortage of villains named after jewels and minerals to threaten the world. Want do they want from us, you ask? Our very lives. Pretty much every plot cooked up by a Negaverse villain involves sucking the life-force from people.
Why she’s lame: Like I said, Sailor Moon is the protector of the world, champion of justice, blah blah blah. And she’s hating every minute of it. The first time I saw the show, I couldn’t believe what a wimp she was. In her first appearance, she actually sat down - in the middle of a fight! - and bawled because she couldn’t hack it. And not real crying even, like “poor me,” but comical crying, like tears shooting out of her eyes like faucets. And her distinctive hairstyle, two long ponytails attached to two buns on top of her head, only looks cool until you hear someone, usually Darien, call her “meatball head.” That literally becomes all you can think about when you see her hair.
Also, there is a bit of the show that gets lost in translation. If you compare the voice acting in the U.S. version with the original Japanese, you’ll find there is much more emotion in the original. See, when most foreign programs come to us, there usually presented by companies that are after one thing – money. So they slap together the American production as cheaply as they can. The anime as an art form is usually a secondary concern.
Why she’s kinda cool: While Serena might not be thrilled about being a superhero, her friends take it seriously. Sailor Mars has the power of fire, and she’s trained as a Shinto priestess, so she can banish evil spirits. Sailor Mercury is the brains of the team, and she has water-based powers, which at first only create a mist to blind the enemy, but later she can freeze things. Sailor Venus used to be a secret agent for the British government, and she can shoot lasers from her fingertips. And Sailor Jupiter is just SCARY! She’s not only an expert martial artist, but she can also fry you with lightning, and she’s apt to do so if you piss her off. Tuxedo Mask is also pretty cool, swinging his cane like a sword. But what you usually see him do is throw a rose, stem-end first at the enemy. That’s gotta hurt! Of course, Tuxedo himself has a tendency to get badly hurt as well. (contributing to his personal lame factor)
Also, while I stated that Sailor Moon is a wimp, there is some good news: She doesn’t stay one. Yes, that’s right, and cartoon character that shows actual character development! Granted, she still has a tendency to pout and cry, but at least she stops doing it in the heat of battle. Also, her powers are pretty decent. She has a tiara that can throw like a lethal discus, and a magic wand that blows the crap out of anything she points it at. She gets a new one every season to complement her increasing power level.

Overall, the series is not just about saving the world, it’s about finding strength that you never knew you had. Strength that comes from the love of your friends, and the will to do what’s right.

Lame Cartoon Heroes I Grew Up With

2009-05-05T22:56:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know it’s been a long time since I’ve updated, but I’ve just finished classes for the summer so I have a bit of time on my hands. I’m going to do a series of entries about Lame Cartoon Heroes I Grew Up With. Looking back, a lot of the series I thought were cool were actually kind of lame. In some cases, a lot lame. But so what? They taught me everything worth knowing about the world. Kinda sorta.

Just so we’re clear, I’m not out to harsh on these characters, this is more a monument to their lameness. ‘Cause lame doesn’t equal bad, sometimes it’s just a glorious lack of coolness.

So who’s first? I know!

Name: Inspector Gadget.
Occupation: Police Inspector.
Supporting Cast: His 10-12 year-old niece, Penny, and her dog Brain. Penny has a computer book, (a laptop before these were actually invented) which she keeps all her important data in. She’s the one with the keen detective instinct in the family. Brain is usually assigned the task of keeping Gadget safe from harm. He’s also unusually smart for a dog, but since he’s a cartoon, this shouldn’t be surprising.
Archnemesis: Dr. Claw, head of the crime syndicate M.A.D. A man who’s so dark and sinister that his face never even appears on screen. All we ever see of him is his iron fist. And he had a creepy cat named M.A.D.Cat. He must be evil, ‘cuz he’s got a cat while the hero has a dog!
Why he’s lame: He’s an inspector, right? Well, Sherlock Holmes he’s not. In fact, he’s the Anti-Holmes. While Holmes could always spot the tiny, seemingly insignificant clue that would turn out to be the most important piece of the puzzle. Gadget will often try to emulate this, focusing on one small, seemingly insignificant clue that turns out to be completely insignificant after all. For instance, Dr. Claw distracts him by dropping a tennis ball down the stairs. Gadget spends the rest of the episode searching for what he believes is a secret tennis court upstairs. Meanwhile, Penny and Brain solve the case and thwart Dr. Claw’s evil plans. Also, his gadgets don’t always work like they’re supposed to.
Why he’s kind of cool: He’s a man with bionic gadgets built into every conceivable (appropriate for a children’s cartoon) area of his body. Who wouldn’t want to be this guy? In fact, his most shining moments on the show involve Penny and/or Brain being in some sort of danger and Gadget has to use his gadgets to save them. He usually goes through a few hiccups before the gadgets actually work; his coat will inflate, roller-skates will come out of his shows, but then, “Go-go Gadget Arm!” and his arm will extend and pull his loved ones to safety. Plus he’s got a cool theme song.

And that’s usually what you’ll see in a typical episode. That, and the dog dressing up in various disguises that the Inspector himself can’t even see through, and will often mistake the disguised Brain for a M.A.D. agent, while mistaking the real M.A.D. agents for friends or allies.

So, what kinds of gadgets does Gadget actually use? Well, there doesn’t seem to be any limit to what he can do, but here are a few more familiar ones:

Gadget Copter – Helicopter blades extend from Gadget’s hat, accompanied by a pair of handgrips which presumably act as controls. They probably also take some of the tension off his neck by giving him something to hold onto and distribute his weight to his shoulders as well, ‘cuz otherwise he’s just dangling in the air by the top of his head.
Gadget Arm – His hands telescope from his forearms to grab things from a great distance away.
Gadget Legs – His legs can also extend to allow Gadget reach platforms high above him. Why needs extendable legs for this is anyone’s guess since he can fly, or he could just grab the edge of the platform with his Gadget Arm and reel himself up.
Gadget Head – His neck telescopes upward to allow him to see above ground level. Which he could do as easily with his Legs. Anyone noticing some redundancy?
Gadget Hand – A mechanical hand pops out of Gadget’s hat. It’s usually holding something useful, like a magnifying glass. Every detective needs one of those, right? Just as often, it’s holding something useless.
Gadget Coat – His trench coat inflates, allowing him to float like a blimp.
Gadget Skates – Roller-skate wheels come out of his shoes. Of course, he doesn’t actually skate worth a darn.
Gadget Siren – A flashing police siren that pops out of his hat. We see it in the opening theme song, but we hardly see it used otherwise.
Gadget Cuffs – What’s more convenient for handcuffing a bad guy than a cuff that’s already attached to you?
Gadget Springs – Springs in the bottoms of his shoes that allow him to bounce. He a also has one in his hat, depending on if he’s about to land on his head.
Gadget Binoculars – Binoculars from his hat. Saves having to carry a pair.
Gadget Ears – A metal cone extends around his ear, improving his hearing.
Fingertips – Gadget has a couple of devices in his fingers that he accesses by unscrewing his fingertip, rather than using a verbal command. These include, but are not limited to: a flashlight, a screwdriver, a drill-bit, a skeleton key, a laser, and a fire-extinguisher.
Top-Secret Gadget Phone – This is a phone in his hand that uses by extending his thumb and pinkie finger, just like you’d do with an imaginary phone. His boss, Police Chief Quimby is presumably the only one with the number.

So there you go, there’s one of the heroes I grew up with. He was inept and clumsy but he was cool enough for Matthew Broderick to play him in the movie. And he taught me that… Um… Uh… I don’t know! I’ll go ask someone’s ten year old niece for advice instead.

Wowsers!

Shame on You, Dave Elliott!

2008-12-30T09:56:00.000-08:00

Dave Elliott, you should be ashamed of yourself! You too, C.J. Henderson and R. Allen Leider! In case my normal readers are wondering what the heck I’m talking about, I’m speaking to the writers of a book I recently purchased. The title is A Field Guide to Monsters, and it is, well, exactly what the title implies it is. It talks about movie monsters, more familiar ones like Dracula, Godzilla, and Freddy Krueger, and more obscure ones like the Wasp Woman, (The Wasp Woman, 1960) the Crab Monsters, (Attack of the Crab Monsters, 1957) and the Melting Man. (The Incredible Melting Man, 1977)

I thought it would be a good “at a glance” guide, (the book is only 192 pages long) and it is. It’s a good starting point if you’re serious about researching monsters. However, a lot of the information in this guide is ar oh en gee WRONG.

Some of the misinformation in the guide is for humorous purposes. For instance, it states (page 160) the Abe Sapiens, a fish-man of Hellboy fame teaches swimming at the local Y. Not true, but funny. Comments like that are not only forgivable, but enjoyable.

However, there are many mistakes which are simply not funny. For example, the guide claims (page 143) that Lestat de Lioncourt, Anne Rice’s most famous vampire, can be killed with garlic, silver, and wooden stakes. Not true. According to Louis, the vampire played by Brad Pitt in the movie version of Interview with the Vampire, none of these things are effective. Sunlight, yes. Decapitation/dismemberment, yes. Fire, mostly effective. But none of the other things we humans tend to run to for vampire defense, including crosses and holy water, are effective against Anne Rice’s vampires. See, she chose to work outside of Bram Stoker’s model, that’s why she came up with the whole “dead blood” thing. Basically, if a vampire drinks blood from a dead person, they die too. It makes sense, seeing as they prolong their lives by drinking blood from living people. Besides, they need a weakness somewhere if the traditional ones are out.

And in the entry for the Master (page 147), the main villain from Buffy the Vampire Slayer season one, a picture of the Gentlemen is shown in place of the Master vampire himself. The Gentlemen are villains from season four, and they are not even vampires.

The Master (upper)

The Gentlemen (lower)

See the difference? Not only are the Gentlemen completely different monsters than vampires, (they like hearts better than blood) they don’t even look remotely like vampires. They have the same pale skin and inhuman eyes, but if you look at their teeth, (and how can’t you, they’re always smiling with a bright red rictus that would put the Joker to shame) you’ll note that they have blunt, useless, not to mention rotted, human teeth. How are they supposed to suck blood without their fangs?!

Another thing, the authors fail to credit the books many of these monsters first appear in. They only list the monster’s first appearance in a movie. And in the case of the Thing, (page 84) they credit its first appearance as John Carpenter’s 1982 film, when really, the Thing’s first film appearance was in 1951. Granted, the 1982 film was more faithful to the novella, but still, know your film history if your going to write about it. And don’t forget, that a lot of the monsters we enjoy wouldn’t be here if not for the creative minds of H.G. Wells, Robert Louis Stevenson, Bram Stoker, Mary Shelley, H.P. Lovecraft, Anne Rice, and Stephan King. And many others. So the books deserve some credit.

Now, I understand that there are not so many people out there who are serious about the subject of monster research, but if you are going to write a book that children and impressionable adults may read, you should get your facts straight. And with the number of geeks and fanboys/fangirls out there on the internet, there’s really no excuse for getting certain details wrong.

So, I say, "Shame on you Dave Elliott." Especially since the book I purchased was a second edition.

New Foods I've Tried

2008-10-22T20:29:00.000-07:00

Well, I’ve had an adventurous weekend, food-wise. I enjoy trying different things, even if it turns out I don’t like them. Like limburger cheese, for instance. I’d heard that it was smelly, but I was thinking strong-cheese smell, like feta, or bleu cheese. But limburger STINKS! Think of the woodchips in the sheep and goat pens at a county fair. And it kind of tasted like it, too. I was very disappointed.

But, on the upside, this weekend, I’ve tried two things I did like. I was trying to find a place that sells mead. That’s an old fashioned drink like beer, except it’s made out of honey. Well, I didn’t find any in Blair, but I did discover a liqueur called Barenjager. The name means “bear hunter” in German. According to the bottle, hunters would use this liqueur made from honey to attract and intoxicate bears. It’s a higher proof than most beers, but it is sooooo SWEET it would be very easy to overdo it. Even if you do have the tolerance of a bear. (enjoy responsibly)

The other thing I tried was sushi. I’ve had it before but not at a Japanese restaurant. Sunday night I was out with some friends and we ate at Baby Blue Sushi in Omaha. I had a spicy tuna roll with wasabi and soy sauce and it was good. If you don’t like fish, you won’t like sushi, but I enjoyed it. By the way, if you want to entertain your friends, order things like octopus and sea urchin. They will stop everything they’re doing just to watch you eat it. Those were good too. The octopus was a little like squid, but not as chewy and rubbery. Of course, it wasn’t cooked, so that might have had something to do it. It was a little like steak, but tougher. By the way, the pieces I had came from an arm. Guess how I could tell. Go on, guess. The sea urchin (served sans spines) was not chewy at all. It was like pudding. But, brother, it did not taste like pudding. I don’t know if I’ll have it next time, since it was seven dollars for squishy echinoderm, but I’m glad I tried it.

Anyways, leave a comment and tell me about unusual food and drink you’ve tried.
See you next time!
-Jack.

Scary Bug Movies

2008-10-18T20:18:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody, I’ve got a couple more books to share with you; The Zombie Survival Guide, by Max Brooks, and How to Survive a Horror Movie, by Seth Grahame-Smith. You’ll find them in the Humor section of your local bookstore. They are so FUNNY! You know, in a macabre, twisted kind of way. Plus, if you have the misfortune to wind up in a scary movie, you need look no further than these books to save your life.

BUT… I’ve noticed one thing neither book addresses. Now, with Mr. Brooks its understandable since his book is zombie-specific. But Mr. Grahame-Smith should have known to include this; “What do you do if you’re attacked by deadly bugs?”

Anyone knows that the Horror genre is rife with stories of deadly swarms of flesh-eaters, giant praying mantids, “eight-legged freaks,” monster worms, and imaginary aphids. Not to mention all the people who’ve suffered horrific accidents wherein they become half human/half insect. So, how can you defend yourself against these monstrosities?

Well, it kind of depends on what sort of bugs are attacking you. One important thing to remember is that fire kills everything. Beyond that, you’ll need to be a bit more specific in your counter-measures. Does bug-spray work? Well, that depends. Odds are, if bug-spray is the first thing you go for, than the writers are going to mess with you and make it so that poison doesn’t affect whatever hideous mutant is trying to eat you. So save yourself the trouble and only try poison as a last resort. You won’t have anything to lose at that point.

So, what about specific cases? Having owned a (regular-sized)praying mantis myself, I can tell you personally a giant one is not something to be trifled with. Like many predators, they are attracted to movement, but don’t think that staying still will fool them. Once they’ve identified a possible prey item, they’ll lock in on it and wait for the right moment to strike. And they've got good eyesight. What can you do? Don’t wait for them. They can only strike at prey in front of them, so try to outflank it. If you have a machete or an ax handy, try to cut off a leg so they can’t turn quickly.

If it’s a giant spider, ignore all the flailing legs and go for the center, the head and the eyes. Eyes mean the brain can’t be far away. Of course, the trick to beating any giant bug is to get them where you want them. Most spiders tend to stay hidden until an unfortunate insect strays into their web. The vibrations of the web’s filaments alert the spider to the presence of prey. So if you want to draw the killer arachnid out, take a stick and poke the web. Or, better yet, don’t.

If you are besieged by giant worms or some other burrower, well, just do what they did in Tremors. What, you say you haven’t seen Tremors? Well, in that case go watch it. The best thing you can do against killer burrowing bugs is to take a page from Michael Grossman, Kevin Bacon, and Fred Ward.

And I know, since I mentioned it above I know you’re thinking “Imaginary aphids? What the heck dude?” Well, there’s good news. If Bug and A Scanner Darkly are any indication, you’re unlikely to be bothered by imaginary aphids unless you are a schizophrenic or a drug-addict. Psychologically it is a common hallucination in real life. Of course, in the movies, there’s always a twist. In this case, if you pretend to see the aphids just to convince the one who’s seeing them that you don’t think he’s crazy, you’ll start seeing them as well. But, in the event that this happens, there is a simple solution. If you become besieged by imaginary bugs because you pretended to see them, then it stands to reason that if you pretend not to see them they’ll go away. If Ashley Judd had tried this, she might not have immolated herself in the end.

Of course, it goes without saying that this only works in the movies. If you really are seeing imaginary bugs, seek professional help. And if you really get attacked by giant bugs, well, you have nothing to worry about. Giant bugs aren’t real. Or are they…?

Please let me know if I've failed to address any other important cases.
-Jack.

Here I am again.

2008-10-07T18:21:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody, hope you haven't gotten bored since I promised to post a month ago.

Just watching the debate at the moment. Actually my dad has it on in the other room and I'm just kind of listening. I already know who I'm voting for, so there's not really anything either of them could say to change my mind now.

But, politics bore me, so I'm going to talk about something else. I've been reading the new Inheritance novel, Brisingr. It's pretty cool. The way the story deepens really shows how Christopher Paolini has grown as a writer, and I think I understand why he decided to extend the series, instead of writing a trilogy like he originally planned.

I've also noticed that when I talk to someone about a fantasy series, and I use the series name, like Phillip Pullman's His Dark Materials, people tend to stare at me blankly, but if I say the first book was The Golden Compass, they're like, "Oooh, right, that one." So I feel compelled to say that Eragon is the first book of Inheritance. You might remember the movie. You should be aware, though, if you decide to read the book, that it is significantly different from the movie. I enjoyed both, though. The guy they cast as Durza nailed it, and Jeremy Irons as Brom? Heck, I'd go to a movie just to see that guy act.

And speaking of movies with actors I really like, I saw The Bucket List awhile back, and if you haven't seen that one, GO and RENT IT right NOW! Sorry to shout, but I feel very strongly about this. Anyways, it has Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, and the two of them play terminally ill cancer patients. They come from different walks of life and have different personalities, but they quickly become friends. Since they don't have much time left, they decide to do all the things they've wanted to do before they kick the bucket. Hence, the Bucket List.

Also, if you're familiar with the movie, you might remember them talking about Kopi Luwak. No that's not a person, its a rare coffee beverage from the island of Sumatra. Jack Nicholson's character loves it, but Carter(Morgan Freeman) says he'd never try it. Much later in the movie, he explains why. I won't say what the reason is, for the sake of my readers who haven't seen the film, but I found out recently, IT'S ABSOLUTELY TRUE! I can't say anything more, or the joke won't have the same impact when you see the movie.

So anyways, I'll see you all next time!
-Jack.

Heeeerrress Johnny! Or something like that.

2008-09-12T20:13:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know I haven’t posted in a while, sorry, sorry, bad me. I’ve been a little busy with classes and other things, but I’ll try to post at least once a week from now on.

Anyways, I’ve been taking Russian language classes for about two weeks now. I’d tell you some words I know now, but I’ve been learning them in Cyrillic, and I don’t want to confuse myself by writing them in English letters.

I’ve also got a new pet. One day, I was working at the store, and I spotted a praying mantis just sitting on a grocery cart. So, I stuck him in a deli container and took him home. He’s quite fascinating to watch. He mostly clings to the ceiling of his aquarium and stays very still. But he’ll also explore the lid and try to find a place he can get out. He cleans his feet and his antennae with his jaws. Just nibbles away whatever is clinging to them, like say the guts of other bugs. It’s pretty cool to watch him eat, too. Mostly I’ve been feeding him crickets, the feeder kind you can get at pet shops. I’ve been trying to catch flies for him as well, but I haven’t got the hang of getting them into the aquarium.

Anyways, I’ll post again soon. See you later!

A Scary Story

2008-08-13T10:05:00.000-07:00

Anybody out there like scary stories? Anyone? Just me then? Well I’m going to tell you about this one anyway. I’ve been reading this manga, that’s a Japanese comic book, called Monster. The author is Naoki Urasawa, credited as Japan’s master of suspense. And the series is fifteen volumes long, so it’s taken me awhile, but I am currently on the fourteenth, and brrrrr! It’s been quite a journey.

The story starts in 1986, in Düsseldorf, then West Germany. A neurosurgeon named Kenzo Tenma is struggling with hospital politics. His superiors would rather he saved the lives of famous people, if given a choice between an opera singer and a Turkish woman’s husband, for example. But Tenma has too much of a conscience and he believes that all patients lives are equal.

So, when a fatally injured boy named Johan Liebert is brought in one night, and the mayor is brought in shortly after, what do you think Tenma does? His bosses want him to operate on the mayor, citing his expertise. But Tenma doesn’t believe the mayor to be any more important than the life of a little boy. He also determines that the doctor assigned to operate on Johan would probably screw it up. So, in defiance of his superiors, doctor Tenma saves Johan’s life.

However, the mayor doesn’t survive. This could be the end of Tenma’s career. His bosses want to make sure everybody knows it’s his fault the mayor died, and moreover, they refuse to credit him with saving little Johan, trying to turn the whole thing into publicity for the hospital. Also, his fiancé, Eva Heinaman, who is also the hospital director’s daughter, dumps him.

And just as Tenma’s life lies in rubble, the hospital director and a few other hospital officials die under mysterious circumstances. This results in Tenma being appointed chief surgeon. Johan and his twin sister Ana simply vanish. Eleven years pass and Johan comes back into Tenma’s life. And what do you know, the kid's a serial killer.

So now, Tenma chases after Johan, intent on correcting the mistake he made eleven years ago. Along the way, he runs into all kinds of characters, like Johan’s sister, who now goes by Nina Fortner. Inspector Lunge, who has a perfect memory. And Mr. Grimmer, who’s always smiling. And at the center of it all, always a step ahead, the sinister and mysterious Johan. The monster.

It’s a very chilling series to read, and I can see why Naoki Urasawa is Japan’s suspense master. If you deicide to pick it up, remember that manga is formatted right to left, so don’t try reading it the way your used to or you’ll get confused.

Anyway, see you later!
-Jack.

The Dark Knight Review

2008-08-08T07:02:00.000-07:00

Finally got my sister to see The Dark Knight this week, now I just need to get my parents to see it. This is the second time I've seen it, and it makes me wish I still worked at a theatre so I could see it anytime I wanted.

First of all, Christian Bale is Batman. Now I did like Micheal, Val, and George well enough, but it's like choosing a favorite James Bond. Shawn Connery, George Lasenby, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, Pierce Brosnan, and Daniel Craig all did Bond a little differently, but they defined the character for their time. That's what Christian Bale does for Batman.

And Heath Ledger as the Joker? Wow! After this, there's just no way they'll be able to use the Joker in a movie anytime soon. Nobody could follow Heath's performance. I mean, I've seen the Joker portrayed before, but this is the first time I've found him truly chilling.

The film itself was amazing in how it explored the line between good and evil, how the line can be blurred, but also how there is always a distinction. Another thing that's explored is how what's right and what's fair are not always the same thing. We're used to thinking that what's right is always fair, but that's not the case; there's a distinction there too. In that same way, what people percieve as herioc isn't always the right thing. I can't say much more without spoilers, but trust me, this one will blow you away.

-Jack.

Hellboy Review

2008-08-02T13:32:00.000-07:00

Well, this week I went to see Hellboy II: The Golden Army. And I gotta say, I liked it. Visually, it stands pretty close with the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. As far as action goes, it was better than the first Hellboy. And contentwise, I don't remember what it was rated, but I would say it was appropriate for most people of about any age. (intense creature violence notwithstanding) Just to clarify what I mean by appropriate, there is some cursing, but very it is very mild. Though there is some confusion as to the way one character pronounces the word "focus." But I figure kids aren't likely to pick up on things like that, kind of like how Bugs Bunny would dress in drag to dupe Elmer Fudd, and that didn't seem weird to you until you got older. As for sexual inuendo, it is virtually nonexistant.

Now, in case you have no idea what I'm talking about, Hellboy is a character in a comic book. He's a demon (like from Hell, hence the name) but he was raised by human beings, so he wants to do good in the world. However, his stone right hand is the key that opens the gates of Hell, and he's also the son of the devil. So it would seem that he's destined to cause destruction and misery to all of mankind.

The first movie spends a lot of time exploring this idea, the whole nature versus nurture thing. Hellboy was born a demon, so it is in his nature to be one, but the people who raised him have done their best to nurture in him a sense of right and wrong and the desire to do right. Simply put, he's not human, but he wants to be a man. At the core of the character is a longing to fit into the world he lives in. He even files his horns flat to look more "normal." He also loves candy, cigars, beer, and cats.

Hellboy II spends less time exploring that part of the character, but it is still a fun time. One of the biggest critiques I've heard was in regards to the script. Specifically, that there wasn't much of a story to it. But, after actually watching the movie, I realized there didn't need to be much of a story. It's like the Mummy movies. (the ones with Brendon Fraser) They lay all their cards out on the table at the beginning; you know what is going to happen, or what is likely to happen, you know that even if the scary, world endangering event does occur, the good guys will win anyway, and you just have a fun time watching it all play out. It's not about where the movie is going, it's about how they get there.

Finally, let me say that I am not a professional movie reviewer by any stretch of the imagination, but I will always do my best to review a movie for the people who will actually go to see it.

Tell me what you think, or throw in your own two cents if you went and saw Hellboy II as well. Liked it, didn't like it, fell asleep, whatever. And if you go to see it on my recommendation, and didn't like it, well, umm... Sorry. I still liked it.

Until next time!
-Jack

Testing 1-2

2008-08-02T13:16:00.000-07:00

This is me, I am here.
Really hope someone will read this.