Another lame show I enjoyed as a kid (and now for that matter) was one created by Ted Turner. You know, the guy who said that global warming is going to force us to resort to cannibalism? Well, just in case he’s right, I know who I’m going to eat first. I’ve got a list.
Anyways, it shouldn’t be a surprise that the show he created was one with an environmental message; Captain Planet and the Planeteers. They’re out to save the planet. While most superheroes waste their time stopping muggers, or bringing twisted crime bosses or corrupt rich guys to justice, the Planeteers are out there fighting the real criminals; the ones who pollute the environment for fun and profit. Or just because they’re mean jerks.
The Planeteers fight with magical rings, given to them by Gaia, the spirit of Earth. The rings give them the powers of the five elements. And when there’s a problem too big for five teenage kids to handle, they combine their powers and summon Captain Planet. That’s right, Captain America. This guy is captain for the whole planet.
Name: Captain Planet.
Occupation: Earth’s Greatest Champion.
Supporting Cast: The Planeteers. Five teenagers from different parts of the world, to ensure an ethnically diverse cast.
Name: Kwame
Place of Origin: Africa
Power: Earth
Noteworthy: Kwame is the unofficial leader of the group, ‘cuz he always says, “Let our powers combine,” when the Planeteers go to summon Captain Planet. Loves plant life. Usually the voice of reason when the other Planeteers begin to lose hope.
Name: Wheeler
Place of Origin: North America (Brooklyn, specifically)
Power: Fire
Noteworthy: As his element suggests, Wheeler is hotheaded and reckless. He’s also courageous and compassionate. He’s usually the least knowledgeable about pollution problems. Has an obvious crush on Linka, but usually manages to piss her off.
Name: Linka
Place of Origin: Eastern Europe (from her accent, Russia)
Power: Wind
Noteworthy: She’s the no-nonsense one of the group, with a good head for strategy, and extensive knowledge of computers. Loves birds. Sometimes likes Wheeler, but never actively pursues him.
Name: Gi
Place of Origin: Southeast Asia (Malaysia, specifically)
Power: Water
Noteworthy: Loves marine life. Contributes enthusiasm to the group.
Name: Ma-Ti
Place of Origin: South America (of Kayapo descent)
Power: Heart
Noteworthy: Youngest member of the group. His youthful innocence and love helps keep the group together. In case you’re wondering what kind of power “heart” is, it allows him to telepathically communicate with animals, and his fellow Planeteers. It also allows him to instill compassion and caring in peoples’ hearts. Despite how useful an ability this would be in getting people to care about the environment, we hardly ever see him use it.
Archnemeseese: There are several recurring villains, all with their own M.O. as “eco-villains.”
Name: Dr. Barbara Blight
Occupation: A mad scientist who sees the world as her own personal science lab. She has no compunctions with causing environmental disasters, just to see what would happen. Her other schemes revolve around her vanity. Because, you know, she’s soooo beautiful with that rotting patch of flesh over her eye. She’s also the only mad scientist I know of who details her death machines in pink. That's disturbing all on it's own.
Name: Duke Nukem (not to be confused with the badass videogame hero of the same name)
Occupation: Hideous mutant who wants the rest of the world to be as radioactive as him. Basically exists to teach us that nuclear power is not a toy. Like we hadn’t learned that when Godzilla began stomping through town.
Name: Luten Plunder
Occupation: Luten Plunder is out to make a killing, both figuratively and literally. Often teams with professional poacher Argus Bleak. When he’s not into poaching he often causes environmental disasters in cities and other communities, then charges the locals big money to fix the problems he caused.
Name: Hoggish Greedly
Occupation: A fat pig of a man who lives his name to the fullest. He’ll use any dirty trick to make a quick buck, and the more wasteful the scheme, the better. Employs a wormy little man named Rigger, who seems to have a conscientious attitude about environmental problems, but this never leads him to stand up to his boss.
Name: Sly Sludge
Occupation: Like Plunder, he’ll make messes and then charge to clean them up.
Name: Verminous Skum
Occupation: Sewer dwelling rat-mutant who desires to drag everyone else down into the gutter. He does this by polluting recklessly, supporting his local street gangs, and in one episode, even stoops so low as to try and turn a town against a local teen because the boy has HIV. Oh, and he also kills Linka’s favorite cousin with drugs.
Name: Zarn
Occupation: Used to be the spirit of Earth, like Gaia, but he decided he’d rather destroy worlds than preserve them. Wherever there is greed, hate, or reckless destruction, you can be sure he’s got his hands in it. He’s basically an environmentalist’s version of Satan.
Why the show is kind of lame: Well, Captain Planet is summoned to fight against environmental devastation, right? Well, here’s the thing: Pollution kills him. It’s his kryptonite. It’s like sending Superman to fight only villains who are made of kryptonite. Methinks Gaia didn’t think it through very well before creating Captain Planet.
GAIA: “Should I make him invulnerable to pollution? Naw, what are the odds he’d run into that?”
Fortunately, Cap’s powers can be recharged by exposing him to the natural elements. Good thing the kids have those rings, right? Just zap him and go, right?
WRONG!!
See, I forgot to mention that when Captain Planet is active, the rings are useless. So if Cap gets covered in toxic waste and needs water to wash him off, the Planeteers need to bring water to him by mundane means. Strangely, nobody brings a bucket with them on their missions. Not in the first episode, anyway.
And sometimes the environmental messages get heavy-handed. Especially when overpopulation is the subject. For example, in one episode, Wheeler gets hit on the head and dreams about an island full of mouse-people. Despite their small size, the mouse-people have almost completely destroyed their ecosystem because they love having babies. One brave mouse-man, Piebald, tries to convince his people that, “we can’t keep having babies like there’s no tomorrow.”
Seriously, he said that.
Piebald is looked upon with scorn, because he has only one child, and no one listens to him. Eventually, the island is claimed by the sea and Wheeler wakes up, having learned a valuable lesson about keeping his own family small.
(sound of axe breaking down door)
WHEELER: “Heeeeerrrrres Wheeler!”
Okay, just kidding, Wheeler doesn't really show us his Jack Torrance impression, although that seems to be the next logical step if it is imperitive that we curb human reproduction.
But seriously, chill out on the overpopulation thing. Most of the kids who watch the show probably aren’t thinking about how they want to have more babies than Nadya Suleman. And may I be so bold as to suggest that an environmentalist’s time would be better spent searching for more renewable resources than dictating to people about their right to reproduce?
Okay, coming down off the soapbox.
Anyway, another factor that heavily contributes to Caps lameness is that he can’t not pun. Seriously, it’s like a tic. I mean, Spider Man puns lamely all the time, but Captain Planet has it down to an art. And by “art,” I don’t mean the Mona Lisa, I mean the paintings made from elephant feces. (again, not making that one up)
Why Captain Planet is kind of cool: Why is Cap cool? Well, the draw might have something to do with him being superstrong, invulnerable, and capable of flight. And he has command of the five elements that made him. Top that, Superman! And he can create technologies out of thin air that don’t even exist today. Problem with a dirty coal-burning plant? No problem, he’ll replace it with a solar plant that runs at superior efficiency.
Also, when the message is handled reasonably, it really does inspire viewers to care about the environment.
So, on that note, if you REALLY care about the environment:
Don’t just recycle your plastic grocery bags, because they can never become plastic bags ever again. Has to do with the material degrading. Get some reusable canvas bags so that you reduce the number of plastic bags you use. Three R’s, right there.
Don’t litter. Please don’t. Throw the trash in the trashcan, not the recycle bin or the grocery cart. Some people seem to think it’s okay to just dump their trash anywhere as long as it’s not directly on the ground.
Research alternate methods for pest control, instead of indiscriminately spraying poison around your food, children, and pets. And neighbors’ children and pets.
And speaking of poison... CFL bulbs. Lose em'. I know, they're more "energy effecient," but do you know what's in them that makes them that way? Mercury. Last I checked, mercury is a serious environmental poison, and I don't think that's going to change any time soon. So, if your kid breaks one of these, you get to put on his tombstone that he was killed by a lightbulb. Instead of replacing all your lightbulbs with these pocket-kid-and-pet-killing-devices, write a letter to the people that make these things, and put some pressure on them to make an energy efficient bulb that's actually good for the environment.
Plant some trees, preferably fifty feet from power lines. They’re not going to plant themselves. I’m talkin’ to YOU rainforest cutter-downers.
Turn off your computer if you’re not using it. Seriously, just turn it off. I promise, unless it needs replacing, it will come back on when you need it again.
And there is plenty of other meat to eat in the world, whales and dolphins shouldn’t have to die. Try some sea urchin instead. There are plenty of those, trust me.
Nuclear power can be a good thing. France has it, for crying out loud. If the French are man enough to risk another Chernobyl, which was not nearly the radioactive apocalypse naysayers have been predicting since Hiroshima, then we should be willing to try. And if we need a place to dump the waste, we can just do what Captain Planet would do, and hurl it into the sun. And when you're building a plant, don't have it constructed by the lowest bidder, like the people on Captain Planet always seem to do.
Al Gore, stop flying a private plane and take a commercial flight. You'll waste a lot less fuel and contribute less to carbon emissions. Or better yet, drive the family car cross country, and see some of the sights you're trying to preserve. And quit harassing Man-Bear-Pig, he's an endangered species!
People’s Republic of China, this one is for you: Instead of giving pandas to other zoos with an eyedropper, why not create a more extensive breeding program working with other zoos to get the panda’s numbers up globally? And try to get them to eat some meat. Really. This is from the experts. Pandas can only digest twenty percent of the bamboo they eat, because they have a carnivore’s digestive system. No wonder they don’t feel like making love in captivity, all their energy is going to eating and sleeping.
And before we all go signing the Kyoto Protocols, so that we can surrender more governing power to the U.N., please try to remember that saving the environment is a choice everyone needs to make for themselves. Change can’t be forced upon people, and when governments try, they inevitably find they don’t have the resources to make it happen, except by taking more from the people whose interests they are supposedly watching out for.
So think about the consequences of your actions. And encourage others to do the same. That’s all we need to do. Really. Okay, I’ve done my part here. (so hopefully Ted won't get mad at me for calling his cartoon character lame) Please comment on this post and include your own suggestions to help the environment.
And after you're finished doing that, turn off the computer.
I mean it.
Don't test me.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Baby Whale Dies. Boy I wish that were a euphamism.
Today I’m taking a break from my latest series of blog topics, and writing about something else. A while ago I watched a series called Blue Planet: Seas of Life, by the BBC. It was an awesome nature documentary all about life in the ocean. We see many different aspects of sea life and many diverse environments in the ocean; the abyssal depths, the pelagic, the reefs, the coastline, etc. We see all kinds of creatures and behaviors, all with a killer score and expert narration. Definitely one to check out.
But be forewarned. One of the episodes contains some of the most depressing animal footage I have ever seen. Except maybe the cat-torture video produced by a fourteen-year-old future serial killer.
So without further ado, here is the story of a mother blue whale and her calf. Blue whale calves are the cutest baby animals longer than a city bus in the world. Everybody loves whales, right? Who would’ve guessed this story ends in a way that instills in viewers the desire to make toast in the bathtub?
Blue whales only feed at certain times of the year, in places where the plankton is richest. So most of a blue whale’s time is spent conserving energy. Then, they make their annual journey to their feeding grounds. Usually they do this in groups, because the ocean hates whales, and they’re much safer if they stick together. But one unfortunate whale can’t keep up with the group because her kid is slowing her down. So, mother and calf must make this perilous journey alone, just the two of them against the world.
Sounds like the plot for the latest inspirational feel-good movie of the year, right? Boy, are you all gonna be disappointed. They’ve been traveling at a whale calf’s pace for several weeks, when they receive the unwelcome attentions of a pod of orcas, commonly known as killer whales. Now, everyone knows killer whales are delightful clowns, who like nothing more than to do nifty tricks with giant balls, wave to the audience with their flippers, and jump over rocky atolls in great inspiring shots that Michael Jackson simply must sing about. They couldn’t possibly be a danger to a mother whale and her calf, right? Especially when they’re about one-fourth her size. Right?
Wrong! In real-life, Shamu is a heartless murderer who has no compunctions with devouring baby seals, dolphins, and belugas. You know, the pretty white whales Raffi sings about all the time. If a human being thought like a killer whale, he would eat your baby. And then wipe his mouth with your puppy.
And lest I forget to mention, blue whale calves are on the menu today. Despite being one hundred plus feet long, the blue whale mother has (surprisingly) virtually no ability to defend herself or her calf against an organized attack. For hours, the pod harasses the two whales until they no longer have the strength to go on. Of course, we’re treated to the tragic sight of the mother continuing to defend her calf long after it’s already dead.
And to add insult to injury, the killer whales only eat the calf’s tongue and lower jaw. The rest of the meat is allowed to sink to the seafloor to be picked apart by scavengers. Specifically, hagfish. Do you know what a hagfish is? It is a loathsome parasite, just fishlike enough to be called a fish. It’s also known as the slime eel. Because that’s what it does when it’s not rasping bits of flesh off of both dead, and living animals. In other words, the last animal you would want to be eaten by.
And the mother, who has delayed her own feeding journey to try and keep her calf alive, is left to make the journey alone, severely weakened by the fight with the killer whales. Methinks that if whales had major arteries in their wrists-and wrists-this is the time she would open them.
How freaking depressing is that?! I mean, seriously, who wants to see that? Who thought it would be a good idea to use that footage? We all know nature has a darker side, but where whales are concerned, I think most people would prefer to remain ignorant of certain facts about their lives. Like the fact that baby whales die.
I think most people would rather see footage of a killer whale attack where, just as it looks hopeless for the mother and her calf, a nuclear submarine shows up just in time to torpedo the hell out of Free Willy and save the baby blue whale. Everyone goes home feeling good about themselves, knowing that there is still justice and compassion in the world,
and babies never die, ever.
Ever.
But be forewarned. One of the episodes contains some of the most depressing animal footage I have ever seen. Except maybe the cat-torture video produced by a fourteen-year-old future serial killer.
So without further ado, here is the story of a mother blue whale and her calf. Blue whale calves are the cutest baby animals longer than a city bus in the world. Everybody loves whales, right? Who would’ve guessed this story ends in a way that instills in viewers the desire to make toast in the bathtub?
Blue whales only feed at certain times of the year, in places where the plankton is richest. So most of a blue whale’s time is spent conserving energy. Then, they make their annual journey to their feeding grounds. Usually they do this in groups, because the ocean hates whales, and they’re much safer if they stick together. But one unfortunate whale can’t keep up with the group because her kid is slowing her down. So, mother and calf must make this perilous journey alone, just the two of them against the world.
Sounds like the plot for the latest inspirational feel-good movie of the year, right? Boy, are you all gonna be disappointed. They’ve been traveling at a whale calf’s pace for several weeks, when they receive the unwelcome attentions of a pod of orcas, commonly known as killer whales. Now, everyone knows killer whales are delightful clowns, who like nothing more than to do nifty tricks with giant balls, wave to the audience with their flippers, and jump over rocky atolls in great inspiring shots that Michael Jackson simply must sing about. They couldn’t possibly be a danger to a mother whale and her calf, right? Especially when they’re about one-fourth her size. Right?
Wrong! In real-life, Shamu is a heartless murderer who has no compunctions with devouring baby seals, dolphins, and belugas. You know, the pretty white whales Raffi sings about all the time. If a human being thought like a killer whale, he would eat your baby. And then wipe his mouth with your puppy.
And lest I forget to mention, blue whale calves are on the menu today. Despite being one hundred plus feet long, the blue whale mother has (surprisingly) virtually no ability to defend herself or her calf against an organized attack. For hours, the pod harasses the two whales until they no longer have the strength to go on. Of course, we’re treated to the tragic sight of the mother continuing to defend her calf long after it’s already dead.
And to add insult to injury, the killer whales only eat the calf’s tongue and lower jaw. The rest of the meat is allowed to sink to the seafloor to be picked apart by scavengers. Specifically, hagfish. Do you know what a hagfish is? It is a loathsome parasite, just fishlike enough to be called a fish. It’s also known as the slime eel. Because that’s what it does when it’s not rasping bits of flesh off of both dead, and living animals. In other words, the last animal you would want to be eaten by.
And the mother, who has delayed her own feeding journey to try and keep her calf alive, is left to make the journey alone, severely weakened by the fight with the killer whales. Methinks that if whales had major arteries in their wrists-and wrists-this is the time she would open them.
How freaking depressing is that?! I mean, seriously, who wants to see that? Who thought it would be a good idea to use that footage? We all know nature has a darker side, but where whales are concerned, I think most people would prefer to remain ignorant of certain facts about their lives. Like the fact that baby whales die.
I think most people would rather see footage of a killer whale attack where, just as it looks hopeless for the mother and her calf, a nuclear submarine shows up just in time to torpedo the hell out of Free Willy and save the baby blue whale. Everyone goes home feeling good about themselves, knowing that there is still justice and compassion in the world,
and babies never die, ever.
Ever.
Monday, May 11, 2009
MOON PRISM POWER! Being part 2 of Lame Cartoon Heroes I Grew Up With.
In the name of the moon, I will… POST THIS ENTRY!!!
One of my favorite anime series ever is Sailor Moon. It ran for five seasons back in the nineties, four of them making it over to U.S. soil. For the uninitiated, anime (pronounced annie-may) is Japanese animation. Now, it’s worth noting that many anime that reach this country have been edited for American audiences. Unless otherwise noted, I will be referring to the U.S. version of the show, as it is the one I’m most familiar with.
Sailor Moon is about a group of magical girls called the Sailor Scouts. Sailor Moon, Sailor Mercury, Sailor Mars, Sailor Jupiter, and Sailor Venus get their magical powers from their respective planets. Exactly what “planet power” is isn’t specifically defined, but it probably has to do with the idea that planets have their own life force. Also, the powers each girl has bear some similarity to the gods the planets were named after. And, in case you were about to ask, yes, there is a Sailor Saturn, Sailor Uranus, Sailor Neptune, and Sailor Pluto. But they don’t appear until season three. Pluto’s not a planet anymore? Try telling her that. Go on, I dare you.
The story goes that thousands of years ago there was a kingdom on the moon. (creatively called the Moon Kingdom) The Moon Kingdom was a peaceful utopia, until the forces of the Negaverse, a place of ultimate evil, attacked them. The Sailor Scouts were the guardians of the Moon Kingdom, but even their great power failed to prevent its destruction. The Moon Kingdom’s ruler, Queen Serenity, did the only thing she could to save her daughter (also named Serenity) and the Scouts. She sent their spirits into the future, where they were reincarnated as ordinary girls.
Now, the Negaverse has returned, and they’ve set their sights on Earth. But, fortunately, the Scouts are here to defend us. And Princess Serenity, now Sailor Moon, is determined to make the bad guys pay, “In the name of the moon, I will punish you!”
So, here’s a bit more about our titular heroine.
Name: Sailor Moon
Real Name: Serena
Occupation: Japanese schoolgirl by day, savior of the world by night.
Supporting Cast: Amy AKA Sailor Mercury, Raye AKA Sailor Mars, Lita AKA Sailor Jupiter, and Mina AKA Sailor Venus. Also appearing is Luna, Serena’s pet cat, and Artemis, Mina’s cat. Other regulars to the cast are Melvin and Molly, two of Serena’s friends who have no idea about her double life. And we can’t forget Serena’s boyfriend Darien, who, when danger threatens, transforms into the amazingly well-dressed hero Tuxedo Mask.
Archnemesis: Queen Beryl, ruler of the Negaverse. She’s defeated at the end of season one, but it would seem the Negaverse has no shortage of villains named after jewels and minerals to threaten the world. Want do they want from us, you ask? Our very lives. Pretty much every plot cooked up by a Negaverse villain involves sucking the life-force from people.
Why she’s lame: Like I said, Sailor Moon is the protector of the world, champion of justice, blah blah blah. And she’s hating every minute of it. The first time I saw the show, I couldn’t believe what a wimp she was. In her first appearance, she actually sat down - in the middle of a fight! - and bawled because she couldn’t hack it. And not real crying even, like “poor me,” but comical crying, like tears shooting out of her eyes like faucets. And her distinctive hairstyle, two long ponytails attached to two buns on top of her head, only looks cool until you hear someone, usually Darien, call her “meatball head.” That literally becomes all you can think about when you see her hair.
Also, there is a bit of the show that gets lost in translation. If you compare the voice acting in the U.S. version with the original Japanese, you’ll find there is much more emotion in the original. See, when most foreign programs come to us, there usually presented by companies that are after one thing – money. So they slap together the American production as cheaply as they can. The anime as an art form is usually a secondary concern.
Why she’s kinda cool: While Serena might not be thrilled about being a superhero, her friends take it seriously. Sailor Mars has the power of fire, and she’s trained as a Shinto priestess, so she can banish evil spirits. Sailor Mercury is the brains of the team, and she has water-based powers, which at first only create a mist to blind the enemy, but later she can freeze things. Sailor Venus used to be a secret agent for the British government, and she can shoot lasers from her fingertips. And Sailor Jupiter is just SCARY! She’s not only an expert martial artist, but she can also fry you with lightning, and she’s apt to do so if you piss her off. Tuxedo Mask is also pretty cool, swinging his cane like a sword. But what you usually see him do is throw a rose, stem-end first at the enemy. That’s gotta hurt! Of course, Tuxedo himself has a tendency to get badly hurt as well. (contributing to his personal lame factor)
Also, while I stated that Sailor Moon is a wimp, there is some good news: She doesn’t stay one. Yes, that’s right, and cartoon character that shows actual character development! Granted, she still has a tendency to pout and cry, but at least she stops doing it in the heat of battle. Also, her powers are pretty decent. She has a tiara that can throw like a lethal discus, and a magic wand that blows the crap out of anything she points it at. She gets a new one every season to complement her increasing power level.
Overall, the series is not just about saving the world, it’s about finding strength that you never knew you had. Strength that comes from the love of your friends, and the will to do what’s right.
One of my favorite anime series ever is Sailor Moon. It ran for five seasons back in the nineties, four of them making it over to U.S. soil. For the uninitiated, anime (pronounced annie-may) is Japanese animation. Now, it’s worth noting that many anime that reach this country have been edited for American audiences. Unless otherwise noted, I will be referring to the U.S. version of the show, as it is the one I’m most familiar with.
Sailor Moon is about a group of magical girls called the Sailor Scouts. Sailor Moon, Sailor Mercury, Sailor Mars, Sailor Jupiter, and Sailor Venus get their magical powers from their respective planets. Exactly what “planet power” is isn’t specifically defined, but it probably has to do with the idea that planets have their own life force. Also, the powers each girl has bear some similarity to the gods the planets were named after. And, in case you were about to ask, yes, there is a Sailor Saturn, Sailor Uranus, Sailor Neptune, and Sailor Pluto. But they don’t appear until season three. Pluto’s not a planet anymore? Try telling her that. Go on, I dare you.
The story goes that thousands of years ago there was a kingdom on the moon. (creatively called the Moon Kingdom) The Moon Kingdom was a peaceful utopia, until the forces of the Negaverse, a place of ultimate evil, attacked them. The Sailor Scouts were the guardians of the Moon Kingdom, but even their great power failed to prevent its destruction. The Moon Kingdom’s ruler, Queen Serenity, did the only thing she could to save her daughter (also named Serenity) and the Scouts. She sent their spirits into the future, where they were reincarnated as ordinary girls.
Now, the Negaverse has returned, and they’ve set their sights on Earth. But, fortunately, the Scouts are here to defend us. And Princess Serenity, now Sailor Moon, is determined to make the bad guys pay, “In the name of the moon, I will punish you!”
So, here’s a bit more about our titular heroine.
Name: Sailor Moon
Real Name: Serena
Occupation: Japanese schoolgirl by day, savior of the world by night.
Supporting Cast: Amy AKA Sailor Mercury, Raye AKA Sailor Mars, Lita AKA Sailor Jupiter, and Mina AKA Sailor Venus. Also appearing is Luna, Serena’s pet cat, and Artemis, Mina’s cat. Other regulars to the cast are Melvin and Molly, two of Serena’s friends who have no idea about her double life. And we can’t forget Serena’s boyfriend Darien, who, when danger threatens, transforms into the amazingly well-dressed hero Tuxedo Mask.
Archnemesis: Queen Beryl, ruler of the Negaverse. She’s defeated at the end of season one, but it would seem the Negaverse has no shortage of villains named after jewels and minerals to threaten the world. Want do they want from us, you ask? Our very lives. Pretty much every plot cooked up by a Negaverse villain involves sucking the life-force from people.
Why she’s lame: Like I said, Sailor Moon is the protector of the world, champion of justice, blah blah blah. And she’s hating every minute of it. The first time I saw the show, I couldn’t believe what a wimp she was. In her first appearance, she actually sat down - in the middle of a fight! - and bawled because she couldn’t hack it. And not real crying even, like “poor me,” but comical crying, like tears shooting out of her eyes like faucets. And her distinctive hairstyle, two long ponytails attached to two buns on top of her head, only looks cool until you hear someone, usually Darien, call her “meatball head.” That literally becomes all you can think about when you see her hair.
Also, there is a bit of the show that gets lost in translation. If you compare the voice acting in the U.S. version with the original Japanese, you’ll find there is much more emotion in the original. See, when most foreign programs come to us, there usually presented by companies that are after one thing – money. So they slap together the American production as cheaply as they can. The anime as an art form is usually a secondary concern.
Why she’s kinda cool: While Serena might not be thrilled about being a superhero, her friends take it seriously. Sailor Mars has the power of fire, and she’s trained as a Shinto priestess, so she can banish evil spirits. Sailor Mercury is the brains of the team, and she has water-based powers, which at first only create a mist to blind the enemy, but later she can freeze things. Sailor Venus used to be a secret agent for the British government, and she can shoot lasers from her fingertips. And Sailor Jupiter is just SCARY! She’s not only an expert martial artist, but she can also fry you with lightning, and she’s apt to do so if you piss her off. Tuxedo Mask is also pretty cool, swinging his cane like a sword. But what you usually see him do is throw a rose, stem-end first at the enemy. That’s gotta hurt! Of course, Tuxedo himself has a tendency to get badly hurt as well. (contributing to his personal lame factor)
Also, while I stated that Sailor Moon is a wimp, there is some good news: She doesn’t stay one. Yes, that’s right, and cartoon character that shows actual character development! Granted, she still has a tendency to pout and cry, but at least she stops doing it in the heat of battle. Also, her powers are pretty decent. She has a tiara that can throw like a lethal discus, and a magic wand that blows the crap out of anything she points it at. She gets a new one every season to complement her increasing power level.
Overall, the series is not just about saving the world, it’s about finding strength that you never knew you had. Strength that comes from the love of your friends, and the will to do what’s right.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Lame Cartoon Heroes I Grew Up With
Okay, I know it’s been a long time since I’ve updated, but I’ve just finished classes for the summer so I have a bit of time on my hands. I’m going to do a series of entries about Lame Cartoon Heroes I Grew Up With. Looking back, a lot of the series I thought were cool were actually kind of lame. In some cases, a lot lame. But so what? They taught me everything worth knowing about the world. Kinda sorta.
Just so we’re clear, I’m not out to harsh on these characters, this is more a monument to their lameness. ‘Cause lame doesn’t equal bad, sometimes it’s just a glorious lack of coolness.
So who’s first? I know!
Name: Inspector Gadget.
Occupation: Police Inspector.
Supporting Cast: His 10-12 year-old niece, Penny, and her dog Brain. Penny has a computer book, (a laptop before these were actually invented) which she keeps all her important data in. She’s the one with the keen detective instinct in the family. Brain is usually assigned the task of keeping Gadget safe from harm. He’s also unusually smart for a dog, but since he’s a cartoon, this shouldn’t be surprising.
Archnemesis: Dr. Claw, head of the crime syndicate M.A.D. A man who’s so dark and sinister that his face never even appears on screen. All we ever see of him is his iron fist. And he had a creepy cat named M.A.D.Cat. He must be evil, ‘cuz he’s got a cat while the hero has a dog!
Why he’s lame: He’s an inspector, right? Well, Sherlock Holmes he’s not. In fact, he’s the Anti-Holmes. While Holmes could always spot the tiny, seemingly insignificant clue that would turn out to be the most important piece of the puzzle. Gadget will often try to emulate this, focusing on one small, seemingly insignificant clue that turns out to be completely insignificant after all. For instance, Dr. Claw distracts him by dropping a tennis ball down the stairs. Gadget spends the rest of the episode searching for what he believes is a secret tennis court upstairs. Meanwhile, Penny and Brain solve the case and thwart Dr. Claw’s evil plans. Also, his gadgets don’t always work like they’re supposed to.
Why he’s kind of cool: He’s a man with bionic gadgets built into every conceivable (appropriate for a children’s cartoon) area of his body. Who wouldn’t want to be this guy? In fact, his most shining moments on the show involve Penny and/or Brain being in some sort of danger and Gadget has to use his gadgets to save them. He usually goes through a few hiccups before the gadgets actually work; his coat will inflate, roller-skates will come out of his shows, but then, “Go-go Gadget Arm!” and his arm will extend and pull his loved ones to safety. Plus he’s got a cool theme song.
And that’s usually what you’ll see in a typical episode. That, and the dog dressing up in various disguises that the Inspector himself can’t even see through, and will often mistake the disguised Brain for a M.A.D. agent, while mistaking the real M.A.D. agents for friends or allies.
So, what kinds of gadgets does Gadget actually use? Well, there doesn’t seem to be any limit to what he can do, but here are a few more familiar ones:
Gadget Copter – Helicopter blades extend from Gadget’s hat, accompanied by a pair of handgrips which presumably act as controls. They probably also take some of the tension off his neck by giving him something to hold onto and distribute his weight to his shoulders as well, ‘cuz otherwise he’s just dangling in the air by the top of his head.
Gadget Arm – His hands telescope from his forearms to grab things from a great distance away.
Gadget Legs – His legs can also extend to allow Gadget reach platforms high above him. Why needs extendable legs for this is anyone’s guess since he can fly, or he could just grab the edge of the platform with his Gadget Arm and reel himself up.
Gadget Head – His neck telescopes upward to allow him to see above ground level. Which he could do as easily with his Legs. Anyone noticing some redundancy?
Gadget Hand – A mechanical hand pops out of Gadget’s hat. It’s usually holding something useful, like a magnifying glass. Every detective needs one of those, right? Just as often, it’s holding something useless.
Gadget Coat – His trench coat inflates, allowing him to float like a blimp.
Gadget Skates – Roller-skate wheels come out of his shoes. Of course, he doesn’t actually skate worth a darn.
Gadget Siren – A flashing police siren that pops out of his hat. We see it in the opening theme song, but we hardly see it used otherwise.
Gadget Cuffs – What’s more convenient for handcuffing a bad guy than a cuff that’s already attached to you?
Gadget Springs – Springs in the bottoms of his shoes that allow him to bounce. He a also has one in his hat, depending on if he’s about to land on his head.
Gadget Binoculars – Binoculars from his hat. Saves having to carry a pair.
Gadget Ears – A metal cone extends around his ear, improving his hearing.
Fingertips – Gadget has a couple of devices in his fingers that he accesses by unscrewing his fingertip, rather than using a verbal command. These include, but are not limited to: a flashlight, a screwdriver, a drill-bit, a skeleton key, a laser, and a fire-extinguisher.
Top-Secret Gadget Phone – This is a phone in his hand that uses by extending his thumb and pinkie finger, just like you’d do with an imaginary phone. His boss, Police Chief Quimby is presumably the only one with the number.
So there you go, there’s one of the heroes I grew up with. He was inept and clumsy but he was cool enough for Matthew Broderick to play him in the movie. And he taught me that… Um… Uh… I don’t know! I’ll go ask someone’s ten year old niece for advice instead.
Wowsers!
Just so we’re clear, I’m not out to harsh on these characters, this is more a monument to their lameness. ‘Cause lame doesn’t equal bad, sometimes it’s just a glorious lack of coolness.
So who’s first? I know!
Name: Inspector Gadget.
Occupation: Police Inspector.
Supporting Cast: His 10-12 year-old niece, Penny, and her dog Brain. Penny has a computer book, (a laptop before these were actually invented) which she keeps all her important data in. She’s the one with the keen detective instinct in the family. Brain is usually assigned the task of keeping Gadget safe from harm. He’s also unusually smart for a dog, but since he’s a cartoon, this shouldn’t be surprising.
Archnemesis: Dr. Claw, head of the crime syndicate M.A.D. A man who’s so dark and sinister that his face never even appears on screen. All we ever see of him is his iron fist. And he had a creepy cat named M.A.D.Cat. He must be evil, ‘cuz he’s got a cat while the hero has a dog!
Why he’s lame: He’s an inspector, right? Well, Sherlock Holmes he’s not. In fact, he’s the Anti-Holmes. While Holmes could always spot the tiny, seemingly insignificant clue that would turn out to be the most important piece of the puzzle. Gadget will often try to emulate this, focusing on one small, seemingly insignificant clue that turns out to be completely insignificant after all. For instance, Dr. Claw distracts him by dropping a tennis ball down the stairs. Gadget spends the rest of the episode searching for what he believes is a secret tennis court upstairs. Meanwhile, Penny and Brain solve the case and thwart Dr. Claw’s evil plans. Also, his gadgets don’t always work like they’re supposed to.
Why he’s kind of cool: He’s a man with bionic gadgets built into every conceivable (appropriate for a children’s cartoon) area of his body. Who wouldn’t want to be this guy? In fact, his most shining moments on the show involve Penny and/or Brain being in some sort of danger and Gadget has to use his gadgets to save them. He usually goes through a few hiccups before the gadgets actually work; his coat will inflate, roller-skates will come out of his shows, but then, “Go-go Gadget Arm!” and his arm will extend and pull his loved ones to safety. Plus he’s got a cool theme song.
And that’s usually what you’ll see in a typical episode. That, and the dog dressing up in various disguises that the Inspector himself can’t even see through, and will often mistake the disguised Brain for a M.A.D. agent, while mistaking the real M.A.D. agents for friends or allies.
So, what kinds of gadgets does Gadget actually use? Well, there doesn’t seem to be any limit to what he can do, but here are a few more familiar ones:
Gadget Copter – Helicopter blades extend from Gadget’s hat, accompanied by a pair of handgrips which presumably act as controls. They probably also take some of the tension off his neck by giving him something to hold onto and distribute his weight to his shoulders as well, ‘cuz otherwise he’s just dangling in the air by the top of his head.
Gadget Arm – His hands telescope from his forearms to grab things from a great distance away.
Gadget Legs – His legs can also extend to allow Gadget reach platforms high above him. Why needs extendable legs for this is anyone’s guess since he can fly, or he could just grab the edge of the platform with his Gadget Arm and reel himself up.
Gadget Head – His neck telescopes upward to allow him to see above ground level. Which he could do as easily with his Legs. Anyone noticing some redundancy?
Gadget Hand – A mechanical hand pops out of Gadget’s hat. It’s usually holding something useful, like a magnifying glass. Every detective needs one of those, right? Just as often, it’s holding something useless.
Gadget Coat – His trench coat inflates, allowing him to float like a blimp.
Gadget Skates – Roller-skate wheels come out of his shoes. Of course, he doesn’t actually skate worth a darn.
Gadget Siren – A flashing police siren that pops out of his hat. We see it in the opening theme song, but we hardly see it used otherwise.
Gadget Cuffs – What’s more convenient for handcuffing a bad guy than a cuff that’s already attached to you?
Gadget Springs – Springs in the bottoms of his shoes that allow him to bounce. He a also has one in his hat, depending on if he’s about to land on his head.
Gadget Binoculars – Binoculars from his hat. Saves having to carry a pair.
Gadget Ears – A metal cone extends around his ear, improving his hearing.
Fingertips – Gadget has a couple of devices in his fingers that he accesses by unscrewing his fingertip, rather than using a verbal command. These include, but are not limited to: a flashlight, a screwdriver, a drill-bit, a skeleton key, a laser, and a fire-extinguisher.
Top-Secret Gadget Phone – This is a phone in his hand that uses by extending his thumb and pinkie finger, just like you’d do with an imaginary phone. His boss, Police Chief Quimby is presumably the only one with the number.
So there you go, there’s one of the heroes I grew up with. He was inept and clumsy but he was cool enough for Matthew Broderick to play him in the movie. And he taught me that… Um… Uh… I don’t know! I’ll go ask someone’s ten year old niece for advice instead.
Wowsers!
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Shame on You, Dave Elliott!
Dave Elliott, you should be ashamed of yourself! You too, C.J. Henderson and R. Allen Leider! In case my normal readers are wondering what the heck I’m talking about, I’m speaking to the writers of a book I recently purchased. The title is A Field Guide to Monsters, and it is, well, exactly what the title implies it is. It talks about movie monsters, more familiar ones like Dracula, Godzilla, and Freddy Krueger, and more obscure ones like the Wasp Woman, (The Wasp Woman, 1960) the Crab Monsters, (Attack of the Crab Monsters, 1957) and the Melting Man. (The Incredible Melting Man, 1977)
I thought it would be a good “at a glance” guide, (the book is only 192 pages long) and it is. It’s a good starting point if you’re serious about researching monsters. However, a lot of the information in this guide is ar oh en gee WRONG.
Some of the misinformation in the guide is for humorous purposes. For instance, it states (page 160) the Abe Sapiens, a fish-man of Hellboy fame teaches swimming at the local Y. Not true, but funny. Comments like that are not only forgivable, but enjoyable.
However, there are many mistakes which are simply not funny. For example, the guide claims (page 143) that Lestat de Lioncourt, Anne Rice’s most famous vampire, can be killed with garlic, silver, and wooden stakes. Not true. According to Louis, the vampire played by Brad Pitt in the movie version of Interview with the Vampire, none of these things are effective. Sunlight, yes. Decapitation/dismemberment, yes. Fire, mostly effective. But none of the other things we humans tend to run to for vampire defense, including crosses and holy water, are effective against Anne Rice’s vampires. See, she chose to work outside of Bram Stoker’s model, that’s why she came up with the whole “dead blood” thing. Basically, if a vampire drinks blood from a dead person, they die too. It makes sense, seeing as they prolong their lives by drinking blood from living people. Besides, they need a weakness somewhere if the traditional ones are out.
And in the entry for the Master (page 147), the main villain from Buffy the Vampire Slayer season one, a picture of the Gentlemen is shown in place of the Master vampire himself. The Gentlemen are villains from season four, and they are not even vampires.
The Master (upper)
The Gentlemen (lower)
See the difference? Not only are the Gentlemen completely different monsters than vampires, (they like hearts better than blood) they don’t even look remotely like vampires. They have the same pale skin and inhuman eyes, but if you look at their teeth, (and how can’t you, they’re always smiling with a bright red rictus that would put the Joker to shame) you’ll note that they have blunt, useless, not to mention rotted, human teeth. How are they supposed to suck blood without their fangs?!
Another thing, the authors fail to credit the books many of these monsters first appear in. They only list the monster’s first appearance in a movie. And in the case of the Thing, (page 84) they credit its first appearance as John Carpenter’s 1982 film, when really, the Thing’s first film appearance was in 1951. Granted, the 1982 film was more faithful to the novella, but still, know your film history if your going to write about it. And don’t forget, that a lot of the monsters we enjoy wouldn’t be here if not for the creative minds of H.G. Wells, Robert Louis Stevenson, Bram Stoker, Mary Shelley, H.P. Lovecraft, Anne Rice, and Stephan King. And many others. So the books deserve some credit.
Now, I understand that there are not so many people out there who are serious about the subject of monster research, but if you are going to write a book that children and impressionable adults may read, you should get your facts straight. And with the number of geeks and fanboys/fangirls out there on the internet, there’s really no excuse for getting certain details wrong.
So, I say, "Shame on you Dave Elliott." Especially since the book I purchased was a second edition.
I thought it would be a good “at a glance” guide, (the book is only 192 pages long) and it is. It’s a good starting point if you’re serious about researching monsters. However, a lot of the information in this guide is ar oh en gee WRONG.
Some of the misinformation in the guide is for humorous purposes. For instance, it states (page 160) the Abe Sapiens, a fish-man of Hellboy fame teaches swimming at the local Y. Not true, but funny. Comments like that are not only forgivable, but enjoyable.
However, there are many mistakes which are simply not funny. For example, the guide claims (page 143) that Lestat de Lioncourt, Anne Rice’s most famous vampire, can be killed with garlic, silver, and wooden stakes. Not true. According to Louis, the vampire played by Brad Pitt in the movie version of Interview with the Vampire, none of these things are effective. Sunlight, yes. Decapitation/dismemberment, yes. Fire, mostly effective. But none of the other things we humans tend to run to for vampire defense, including crosses and holy water, are effective against Anne Rice’s vampires. See, she chose to work outside of Bram Stoker’s model, that’s why she came up with the whole “dead blood” thing. Basically, if a vampire drinks blood from a dead person, they die too. It makes sense, seeing as they prolong their lives by drinking blood from living people. Besides, they need a weakness somewhere if the traditional ones are out.
And in the entry for the Master (page 147), the main villain from Buffy the Vampire Slayer season one, a picture of the Gentlemen is shown in place of the Master vampire himself. The Gentlemen are villains from season four, and they are not even vampires.
The Master (upper)
The Gentlemen (lower)
See the difference? Not only are the Gentlemen completely different monsters than vampires, (they like hearts better than blood) they don’t even look remotely like vampires. They have the same pale skin and inhuman eyes, but if you look at their teeth, (and how can’t you, they’re always smiling with a bright red rictus that would put the Joker to shame) you’ll note that they have blunt, useless, not to mention rotted, human teeth. How are they supposed to suck blood without their fangs?!
Another thing, the authors fail to credit the books many of these monsters first appear in. They only list the monster’s first appearance in a movie. And in the case of the Thing, (page 84) they credit its first appearance as John Carpenter’s 1982 film, when really, the Thing’s first film appearance was in 1951. Granted, the 1982 film was more faithful to the novella, but still, know your film history if your going to write about it. And don’t forget, that a lot of the monsters we enjoy wouldn’t be here if not for the creative minds of H.G. Wells, Robert Louis Stevenson, Bram Stoker, Mary Shelley, H.P. Lovecraft, Anne Rice, and Stephan King. And many others. So the books deserve some credit.
Now, I understand that there are not so many people out there who are serious about the subject of monster research, but if you are going to write a book that children and impressionable adults may read, you should get your facts straight. And with the number of geeks and fanboys/fangirls out there on the internet, there’s really no excuse for getting certain details wrong.
So, I say, "Shame on you Dave Elliott." Especially since the book I purchased was a second edition.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
New Foods I've Tried
Well, I’ve had an adventurous weekend, food-wise. I enjoy trying different things, even if it turns out I don’t like them. Like limburger cheese, for instance. I’d heard that it was smelly, but I was thinking strong-cheese smell, like feta, or bleu cheese. But limburger STINKS! Think of the woodchips in the sheep and goat pens at a county fair. And it kind of tasted like it, too. I was very disappointed.
But, on the upside, this weekend, I’ve tried two things I did like. I was trying to find a place that sells mead. That’s an old fashioned drink like beer, except it’s made out of honey. Well, I didn’t find any in Blair, but I did discover a liqueur called Barenjager. The name means “bear hunter” in German. According to the bottle, hunters would use this liqueur made from honey to attract and intoxicate bears. It’s a higher proof than most beers, but it is sooooo SWEET it would be very easy to overdo it. Even if you do have the tolerance of a bear. (enjoy responsibly)
The other thing I tried was sushi. I’ve had it before but not at a Japanese restaurant. Sunday night I was out with some friends and we ate at Baby Blue Sushi in Omaha. I had a spicy tuna roll with wasabi and soy sauce and it was good. If you don’t like fish, you won’t like sushi, but I enjoyed it. By the way, if you want to entertain your friends, order things like octopus and sea urchin. They will stop everything they’re doing just to watch you eat it. Those were good too. The octopus was a little like squid, but not as chewy and rubbery. Of course, it wasn’t cooked, so that might have had something to do it. It was a little like steak, but tougher. By the way, the pieces I had came from an arm. Guess how I could tell. Go on, guess. The sea urchin (served sans spines) was not chewy at all. It was like pudding. But, brother, it did not taste like pudding. I don’t know if I’ll have it next time, since it was seven dollars for squishy echinoderm, but I’m glad I tried it.
Anyways, leave a comment and tell me about unusual food and drink you’ve tried.
See you next time!
-Jack.
But, on the upside, this weekend, I’ve tried two things I did like. I was trying to find a place that sells mead. That’s an old fashioned drink like beer, except it’s made out of honey. Well, I didn’t find any in Blair, but I did discover a liqueur called Barenjager. The name means “bear hunter” in German. According to the bottle, hunters would use this liqueur made from honey to attract and intoxicate bears. It’s a higher proof than most beers, but it is sooooo SWEET it would be very easy to overdo it. Even if you do have the tolerance of a bear. (enjoy responsibly)
The other thing I tried was sushi. I’ve had it before but not at a Japanese restaurant. Sunday night I was out with some friends and we ate at Baby Blue Sushi in Omaha. I had a spicy tuna roll with wasabi and soy sauce and it was good. If you don’t like fish, you won’t like sushi, but I enjoyed it. By the way, if you want to entertain your friends, order things like octopus and sea urchin. They will stop everything they’re doing just to watch you eat it. Those were good too. The octopus was a little like squid, but not as chewy and rubbery. Of course, it wasn’t cooked, so that might have had something to do it. It was a little like steak, but tougher. By the way, the pieces I had came from an arm. Guess how I could tell. Go on, guess. The sea urchin (served sans spines) was not chewy at all. It was like pudding. But, brother, it did not taste like pudding. I don’t know if I’ll have it next time, since it was seven dollars for squishy echinoderm, but I’m glad I tried it.
Anyways, leave a comment and tell me about unusual food and drink you’ve tried.
See you next time!
-Jack.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Scary Bug Movies
Hey everybody, I’ve got a couple more books to share with you; The Zombie Survival Guide, by Max Brooks, and How to Survive a Horror Movie, by Seth Grahame-Smith. You’ll find them in the Humor section of your local bookstore. They are so FUNNY! You know, in a macabre, twisted kind of way. Plus, if you have the misfortune to wind up in a scary movie, you need look no further than these books to save your life.
BUT… I’ve noticed one thing neither book addresses. Now, with Mr. Brooks its understandable since his book is zombie-specific. But Mr. Grahame-Smith should have known to include this; “What do you do if you’re attacked by deadly bugs?”
Anyone knows that the Horror genre is rife with stories of deadly swarms of flesh-eaters, giant praying mantids, “eight-legged freaks,” monster worms, and imaginary aphids. Not to mention all the people who’ve suffered horrific accidents wherein they become half human/half insect. So, how can you defend yourself against these monstrosities?
Well, it kind of depends on what sort of bugs are attacking you. One important thing to remember is that fire kills everything. Beyond that, you’ll need to be a bit more specific in your counter-measures. Does bug-spray work? Well, that depends. Odds are, if bug-spray is the first thing you go for, than the writers are going to mess with you and make it so that poison doesn’t affect whatever hideous mutant is trying to eat you. So save yourself the trouble and only try poison as a last resort. You won’t have anything to lose at that point.
So, what about specific cases? Having owned a (regular-sized)praying mantis myself, I can tell you personally a giant one is not something to be trifled with. Like many predators, they are attracted to movement, but don’t think that staying still will fool them. Once they’ve identified a possible prey item, they’ll lock in on it and wait for the right moment to strike. And they've got good eyesight. What can you do? Don’t wait for them. They can only strike at prey in front of them, so try to outflank it. If you have a machete or an ax handy, try to cut off a leg so they can’t turn quickly.
If it’s a giant spider, ignore all the flailing legs and go for the center, the head and the eyes. Eyes mean the brain can’t be far away. Of course, the trick to beating any giant bug is to get them where you want them. Most spiders tend to stay hidden until an unfortunate insect strays into their web. The vibrations of the web’s filaments alert the spider to the presence of prey. So if you want to draw the killer arachnid out, take a stick and poke the web. Or, better yet, don’t.
If you are besieged by giant worms or some other burrower, well, just do what they did in Tremors. What, you say you haven’t seen Tremors? Well, in that case go watch it. The best thing you can do against killer burrowing bugs is to take a page from Michael Grossman, Kevin Bacon, and Fred Ward.
And I know, since I mentioned it above I know you’re thinking “Imaginary aphids? What the heck dude?” Well, there’s good news. If Bug and A Scanner Darkly are any indication, you’re unlikely to be bothered by imaginary aphids unless you are a schizophrenic or a drug-addict. Psychologically it is a common hallucination in real life. Of course, in the movies, there’s always a twist. In this case, if you pretend to see the aphids just to convince the one who’s seeing them that you don’t think he’s crazy, you’ll start seeing them as well. But, in the event that this happens, there is a simple solution. If you become besieged by imaginary bugs because you pretended to see them, then it stands to reason that if you pretend not to see them they’ll go away. If Ashley Judd had tried this, she might not have immolated herself in the end.
Of course, it goes without saying that this only works in the movies. If you really are seeing imaginary bugs, seek professional help. And if you really get attacked by giant bugs, well, you have nothing to worry about. Giant bugs aren’t real. Or are they…?
Please let me know if I've failed to address any other important cases.
-Jack.
BUT… I’ve noticed one thing neither book addresses. Now, with Mr. Brooks its understandable since his book is zombie-specific. But Mr. Grahame-Smith should have known to include this; “What do you do if you’re attacked by deadly bugs?”
Anyone knows that the Horror genre is rife with stories of deadly swarms of flesh-eaters, giant praying mantids, “eight-legged freaks,” monster worms, and imaginary aphids. Not to mention all the people who’ve suffered horrific accidents wherein they become half human/half insect. So, how can you defend yourself against these monstrosities?
Well, it kind of depends on what sort of bugs are attacking you. One important thing to remember is that fire kills everything. Beyond that, you’ll need to be a bit more specific in your counter-measures. Does bug-spray work? Well, that depends. Odds are, if bug-spray is the first thing you go for, than the writers are going to mess with you and make it so that poison doesn’t affect whatever hideous mutant is trying to eat you. So save yourself the trouble and only try poison as a last resort. You won’t have anything to lose at that point.
So, what about specific cases? Having owned a (regular-sized)praying mantis myself, I can tell you personally a giant one is not something to be trifled with. Like many predators, they are attracted to movement, but don’t think that staying still will fool them. Once they’ve identified a possible prey item, they’ll lock in on it and wait for the right moment to strike. And they've got good eyesight. What can you do? Don’t wait for them. They can only strike at prey in front of them, so try to outflank it. If you have a machete or an ax handy, try to cut off a leg so they can’t turn quickly.
If it’s a giant spider, ignore all the flailing legs and go for the center, the head and the eyes. Eyes mean the brain can’t be far away. Of course, the trick to beating any giant bug is to get them where you want them. Most spiders tend to stay hidden until an unfortunate insect strays into their web. The vibrations of the web’s filaments alert the spider to the presence of prey. So if you want to draw the killer arachnid out, take a stick and poke the web. Or, better yet, don’t.
If you are besieged by giant worms or some other burrower, well, just do what they did in Tremors. What, you say you haven’t seen Tremors? Well, in that case go watch it. The best thing you can do against killer burrowing bugs is to take a page from Michael Grossman, Kevin Bacon, and Fred Ward.
And I know, since I mentioned it above I know you’re thinking “Imaginary aphids? What the heck dude?” Well, there’s good news. If Bug and A Scanner Darkly are any indication, you’re unlikely to be bothered by imaginary aphids unless you are a schizophrenic or a drug-addict. Psychologically it is a common hallucination in real life. Of course, in the movies, there’s always a twist. In this case, if you pretend to see the aphids just to convince the one who’s seeing them that you don’t think he’s crazy, you’ll start seeing them as well. But, in the event that this happens, there is a simple solution. If you become besieged by imaginary bugs because you pretended to see them, then it stands to reason that if you pretend not to see them they’ll go away. If Ashley Judd had tried this, she might not have immolated herself in the end.
Of course, it goes without saying that this only works in the movies. If you really are seeing imaginary bugs, seek professional help. And if you really get attacked by giant bugs, well, you have nothing to worry about. Giant bugs aren’t real. Or are they…?
Please let me know if I've failed to address any other important cases.
-Jack.
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