Scary Bug Movies

Hey everybody, I’ve got a couple more books to share with you; The Zombie Survival Guide, by Max Brooks, and How to Survive a Horror Movie, by Seth Grahame-Smith. You’ll find them in the Humor section of your local bookstore. They are so FUNNY! You know, in a macabre, twisted kind of way. Plus, if you have the misfortune to wind up in a scary movie, you need look no further than these books to save your life.

BUT… I’ve noticed one thing neither book addresses. Now, with Mr. Brooks its understandable since his book is zombie-specific. But Mr. Grahame-Smith should have known to include this; “What do you do if you’re attacked by deadly bugs?”

Anyone knows that the Horror genre is rife with stories of deadly swarms of flesh-eaters, giant praying mantids, “eight-legged freaks,” monster worms, and imaginary aphids. Not to mention all the people who’ve suffered horrific accidents wherein they become half human/half insect. So, how can you defend yourself against these monstrosities?

Well, it kind of depends on what sort of bugs are attacking you. One important thing to remember is that fire kills everything. Beyond that, you’ll need to be a bit more specific in your counter-measures. Does bug-spray work? Well, that depends. Odds are, if bug-spray is the first thing you go for, than the writers are going to mess with you and make it so that poison doesn’t affect whatever hideous mutant is trying to eat you. So save yourself the trouble and only try poison as a last resort. You won’t have anything to lose at that point.

So, what about specific cases? Having owned a (regular-sized)praying mantis myself, I can tell you personally a giant one is not something to be trifled with. Like many predators, they are attracted to movement, but don’t think that staying still will fool them. Once they’ve identified a possible prey item, they’ll lock in on it and wait for the right moment to strike. And they've got good eyesight. What can you do? Don’t wait for them. They can only strike at prey in front of them, so try to outflank it. If you have a machete or an ax handy, try to cut off a leg so they can’t turn quickly.

If it’s a giant spider, ignore all the flailing legs and go for the center, the head and the eyes. Eyes mean the brain can’t be far away. Of course, the trick to beating any giant bug is to get them where you want them. Most spiders tend to stay hidden until an unfortunate insect strays into their web. The vibrations of the web’s filaments alert the spider to the presence of prey. So if you want to draw the killer arachnid out, take a stick and poke the web. Or, better yet, don’t.

If you are besieged by giant worms or some other burrower, well, just do what they did in Tremors. What, you say you haven’t seen Tremors? Well, in that case go watch it. The best thing you can do against killer burrowing bugs is to take a page from Michael Grossman, Kevin Bacon, and Fred Ward.

And I know, since I mentioned it above I know you’re thinking “Imaginary aphids? What the heck dude?” Well, there’s good news. If Bug and A Scanner Darkly are any indication, you’re unlikely to be bothered by imaginary aphids unless you are a schizophrenic or a drug-addict. Psychologically it is a common hallucination in real life. Of course, in the movies, there’s always a twist. In this case, if you pretend to see the aphids just to convince the one who’s seeing them that you don’t think he’s crazy, you’ll start seeing them as well. But, in the event that this happens, there is a simple solution. If you become besieged by imaginary bugs because you pretended to see them, then it stands to reason that if you pretend not to see them they’ll go away. If Ashley Judd had tried this, she might not have immolated herself in the end.

Of course, it goes without saying that this only works in the movies. If you really are seeing imaginary bugs, seek professional help. And if you really get attacked by giant bugs, well, you have nothing to worry about. Giant bugs aren’t real. Or are they…?

Please let me know if I've failed to address any other important cases.
-Jack.