Lame Cartoon Heroes I Grew Up With

Okay, I know it’s been a long time since I’ve updated, but I’ve just finished classes for the summer so I have a bit of time on my hands. I’m going to do a series of entries about Lame Cartoon Heroes I Grew Up With. Looking back, a lot of the series I thought were cool were actually kind of lame. In some cases, a lot lame. But so what? They taught me everything worth knowing about the world. Kinda sorta.

Just so we’re clear, I’m not out to harsh on these characters, this is more a monument to their lameness. ‘Cause lame doesn’t equal bad, sometimes it’s just a glorious lack of coolness.

So who’s first? I know!

Name: Inspector Gadget.
Occupation: Police Inspector.
Supporting Cast: His 10-12 year-old niece, Penny, and her dog Brain. Penny has a computer book, (a laptop before these were actually invented) which she keeps all her important data in. She’s the one with the keen detective instinct in the family. Brain is usually assigned the task of keeping Gadget safe from harm. He’s also unusually smart for a dog, but since he’s a cartoon, this shouldn’t be surprising.
Archnemesis: Dr. Claw, head of the crime syndicate M.A.D. A man who’s so dark and sinister that his face never even appears on screen. All we ever see of him is his iron fist. And he had a creepy cat named M.A.D.Cat. He must be evil, ‘cuz he’s got a cat while the hero has a dog!
Why he’s lame: He’s an inspector, right? Well, Sherlock Holmes he’s not. In fact, he’s the Anti-Holmes. While Holmes could always spot the tiny, seemingly insignificant clue that would turn out to be the most important piece of the puzzle. Gadget will often try to emulate this, focusing on one small, seemingly insignificant clue that turns out to be completely insignificant after all. For instance, Dr. Claw distracts him by dropping a tennis ball down the stairs. Gadget spends the rest of the episode searching for what he believes is a secret tennis court upstairs. Meanwhile, Penny and Brain solve the case and thwart Dr. Claw’s evil plans. Also, his gadgets don’t always work like they’re supposed to.
Why he’s kind of cool: He’s a man with bionic gadgets built into every conceivable (appropriate for a children’s cartoon) area of his body. Who wouldn’t want to be this guy? In fact, his most shining moments on the show involve Penny and/or Brain being in some sort of danger and Gadget has to use his gadgets to save them. He usually goes through a few hiccups before the gadgets actually work; his coat will inflate, roller-skates will come out of his shows, but then, “Go-go Gadget Arm!” and his arm will extend and pull his loved ones to safety. Plus he’s got a cool theme song.

And that’s usually what you’ll see in a typical episode. That, and the dog dressing up in various disguises that the Inspector himself can’t even see through, and will often mistake the disguised Brain for a M.A.D. agent, while mistaking the real M.A.D. agents for friends or allies.

So, what kinds of gadgets does Gadget actually use? Well, there doesn’t seem to be any limit to what he can do, but here are a few more familiar ones:

Gadget Copter – Helicopter blades extend from Gadget’s hat, accompanied by a pair of handgrips which presumably act as controls. They probably also take some of the tension off his neck by giving him something to hold onto and distribute his weight to his shoulders as well, ‘cuz otherwise he’s just dangling in the air by the top of his head.
Gadget Arm – His hands telescope from his forearms to grab things from a great distance away.
Gadget Legs – His legs can also extend to allow Gadget reach platforms high above him. Why needs extendable legs for this is anyone’s guess since he can fly, or he could just grab the edge of the platform with his Gadget Arm and reel himself up.
Gadget Head – His neck telescopes upward to allow him to see above ground level. Which he could do as easily with his Legs. Anyone noticing some redundancy?
Gadget Hand – A mechanical hand pops out of Gadget’s hat. It’s usually holding something useful, like a magnifying glass. Every detective needs one of those, right? Just as often, it’s holding something useless.
Gadget Coat – His trench coat inflates, allowing him to float like a blimp.
Gadget Skates – Roller-skate wheels come out of his shoes. Of course, he doesn’t actually skate worth a darn.
Gadget Siren – A flashing police siren that pops out of his hat. We see it in the opening theme song, but we hardly see it used otherwise.
Gadget Cuffs – What’s more convenient for handcuffing a bad guy than a cuff that’s already attached to you?
Gadget Springs – Springs in the bottoms of his shoes that allow him to bounce. He a also has one in his hat, depending on if he’s about to land on his head.
Gadget Binoculars – Binoculars from his hat. Saves having to carry a pair.
Gadget Ears – A metal cone extends around his ear, improving his hearing.
Fingertips – Gadget has a couple of devices in his fingers that he accesses by unscrewing his fingertip, rather than using a verbal command. These include, but are not limited to: a flashlight, a screwdriver, a drill-bit, a skeleton key, a laser, and a fire-extinguisher.
Top-Secret Gadget Phone – This is a phone in his hand that uses by extending his thumb and pinkie finger, just like you’d do with an imaginary phone. His boss, Police Chief Quimby is presumably the only one with the number.

So there you go, there’s one of the heroes I grew up with. He was inept and clumsy but he was cool enough for Matthew Broderick to play him in the movie. And he taught me that… Um… Uh… I don’t know! I’ll go ask someone’s ten year old niece for advice instead.

Wowsers!